There's always a crossroads when depression strikes for me. It's usually because I've already started down a road of bad habits and thought patterns and then one external stimuli will set me off. When I am self-aware enough to recognize I'm down, I have a choice:
Things that Consistently Make Me Happy and Content
- Prayer
-Bible reading
-Drawing and Sculpting
-Exercise
Unproductive Things I Usually Do Instead
-Mope
-Surf the Internet
-Play Video Games
-Buy things I don't need
Was on a peak of personal growth a few weeks ago but it seems I've slipped back into my self-destructive habits. I've tried to sit down and draw but I've just been frustrated with results.
Saturday, March 2, 2013
Sunday, February 17, 2013
Fasting Growth
During January,
our church collectively engaged in a 21-day fast so that we could
dedicate ourselves to prayer, study, and seeking God's direction for the
church ministry in 2013. I have fasted before, albeit briefly, in my
own time. This was a much more focused and deliberate engagement of God
and I learned a lot about Him, life, and me.
There are three basic spiritual self-disciplines a Christian can do; think of it like exercise. If you don't exercise and eat right, your muscles wither. They are prayer, studying God's Word, and fasting. These are best implemented through the commnity and fellowship of the church as you learn, draw strength from one another and are held accountable.
Why fast anyway? Think of fasting like calibrating a precision measurement tool or fixing the alignment on your car. Man naturally depends on food to live. However, existence depends entirely on God. A fast involves denying one physical need to focus attention on the greatest need of all. It does not need to be a complete lack of food; simply deny yourself something you would otherwise indulge yourself in and see how quickly impatient and focused on that one thing you become. The idea is, when you feel weak and hungry, you redirect your thoughts and focus to God. Your body serves as an alarm that breaks through your daily distractions and your pre-determined mind turns that to prayer. My pastor did a straight water-only fast. The fast my house did involved beginner methods: a Vegan diet at first on a trial basis; that did and did not work. We then moved toward skipping lunch for a few weeks so we could focus that specific time to prayer and study. I found this latter method to be much more precise, consistent, and effective for me at this point.
I found the longer I went through the fast, my attitude changed about things. My prayer habits are a weak point but I saw them develop over this time. At first, my prayers were very me-centered: my frustration with others, direction in life, job problems, etc. Very horizontal. Yet as time went on, my prayers became more vertical; that is, oriented toward my relationship and attitude toward God. I wanted to know more about Him, trust Him more, know how to better understand His Word, be attuned to His leading in big and small ways.
One of the biggest things was that I've had a lot of trust issues with God since leaving home to attend BJU and being thrust into the military. Before I left home with all my belongings in my car, God promised me "Whatever you choose to do, I will bless." God did not come through like I thought he would with BJU, and I could never figure out if it was because of something I did. As a result, I've felt in exile here in the military and I've been very bitter about it for a long time. I've been wrestling with this with no satisfying answers and this has been a big stumbling block for me. God answered my concerns with clarity by addressing what is so often my biggest problem: me, though not in the binary way I was thinking.
I wrote down questions before we started the fast that were weighing on me. They were life decisions but also personal reflections. Not all are listed here, but what follows is pre-fast thinking.
- I've been trying to decide whether to stay in the Air Force for a long time; I have not enjoyed it. While reading the account of Israel in the wilderness after they left slavery in Egypt, I had this realization: I would rather be in the unknown "wilderness", knowing I was where God wanted me, instead of in "Egypt", as a "slave", my basic needs cared for, but depending on my masters for provision and wondering where God was. I wondered if I was like Israel; I wondered if I left the AF to go into the unknown, would I look back during hard times and wish I was still a "slave" that at least had food and money? I wondered if I even had the correct thinking on this issue.
I posed God questions regarding this: Should I stay in the AF? If so, how long? If I stay, where do I go next? If I leave, when and where do I go and what do I do? Where is my security, trust, and foundation; In money? In the government to provide? Do I trust God no matter my circumstances and even if I make a "mistake"?
There were other frustrations I posed to God as well, but I will leave those out for now. I poured my heart out to God and he answered via Scripture, conscience and daily circumstance. What follows is what I learned over time as I devoted myself to prayer and study.
- I am a hypocrite like the Pharisees. I cannot demand excellence from others without living up to the same standard. "By whatsoever standard you judge, you will be judged." My hypocrisy comes from self-centeredness and laziness. I must lead and set the example in all areas where I am frustrated with others or I must let these issues go. Yet I must also exercise patience and compassion in these areas with others, as God has been patient with me.
- Living by faith and being where God wants me does not mean I have to drop everything I'm doing and run off into the grand unknown. It means "deny yourself, take up your cross daily, and follow me". If God wants me to be a superstar Christian with great responsibility, that will happen when He wills. But for now, a servant must be faithful in the small things before being trusted, if ever, with the big things. There is no dishonor in daily living and labor.
- God is more concerned with my sanctification- the process of making me more like Christ and purging my sin- than anything else. I may want to be a "conquering David" for God, but He has some stuff that must be removed first and the only way to purge impurities is with fire.
- It would be easy for God to encourage a shallow faith by giving me everything I want. But I would be no better than a spoiled child who knows, no matter what trouble he is in, daddy will bail him out. However, if daddy says no, the brat will throw a tantrum and his faith will fall. Much better then is the father who trains and disciplines his child through adversity. How much greater is a faith that can say, not only is comfort a blessing, but I trust that even my suffering serves a purpose, whether or not I know the details, and will be used by God for my good and His glory.
Regarding BJU and the issues of trust and going on on faith:
Going out on faith was good. Demanding God do all the work, plus telling Him how to solve my problems, plus being wishy-washy about decisions was not. God will honor His promise to me. Move forward boldly with wisdom, careful consideration, diligent labor, and trust. And do not look back, wondering about the path not taken. Victory is assured for the Christian who commits his way to God.
- Being in the AF is not a punishment or exile. It is also not a place where I am unable to serve God. It is definitely training me and had provided me launching points and resources for whatever else I may want to pursue.
- I also finally got a good grasp on what was going on with Jesus' temptation by Satan in the wilderness. Satan's temptations seemed at best, not a big deal, and at worst, non sequitur. Ah, but that's how he is: subtle. So subtle that he can take the Word of God and twist it, ever so slightly, until the meaning is off enough to misdirect God's children. Jesus' fast, his 40 days of suffering, was to get him ready for the test of being tempted at his absolute weakest physically so there was no question of his victory in the end. Satan first questioned God's Word with "If you are the Son of God..." even though 40 days prior, the heavens had opened and the Father had announced who Jesus was. But in addition, he was persuading Jesus to use the power he rightfully had to do what he rightfully could do to feed a need that was natural and justifiable. However, Jesus retorted that he was not there for bread, but to do the will of His Father. Satan then quotes scripture, though out of context and changes the meaning to tell Jesus to put himself in harms way to see if God would really live up to his Word.
The passage Satan quotes is a Psalm about confidence in God, but Satan uses it as a tool of doubt and testing. Jesus again retorts with Scripture not to doubt and put God to the test. The last measure was just desperate as Satan offered him the kingdoms of the world for just a kneel of obeisance. Satan was offering Jesus the easy way out of the long road ahead; the road that lead to Calvary and suffering. Jesus came into the world to redeem it, but he didn't have to. He sacrificed his office, his dignity and his glory and put up with so much crap when he didn't have to. He had every right to up and leave at any time. But he cast that all aside because he loved the Father and did His will- above all entitlements and rights. THAT was the point of the temptation. Jesus won the kingdoms of the world and salvation for all by his death and resurrection the hard way.
How often do we justify leaving our duty to God because of something we may be entitled to or deserve? How often do we sin because we convince ourselves we are missing out or just deserve it, even if it is not necessarily a bad thing or action in and of itself?
I learned to stay my hand from even what I may have earned or think I deserve because I want it on God's terms, not mine.
This fast ended with a marked change in my attitude and pattern of thinking; I wasn't perfect and made some mistakes but I pressed on. I'm more at peace now. I've noticed when I start to become frustrated, it's when I've forgotten who He is and begun focusing more on me again. This fast made it easier to catch myself in that and to refocus. The other day I found myself dreading coming to work and I just wanted to throw my hands up and walk away. But I caught myself and asked myself what I really believed. And I was surprised that I could say, without any pretense of forced religious obligation, that "This too is for my sanctification." To God be the glory for making me better than I was.
There are three basic spiritual self-disciplines a Christian can do; think of it like exercise. If you don't exercise and eat right, your muscles wither. They are prayer, studying God's Word, and fasting. These are best implemented through the commnity and fellowship of the church as you learn, draw strength from one another and are held accountable.
Why fast anyway? Think of fasting like calibrating a precision measurement tool or fixing the alignment on your car. Man naturally depends on food to live. However, existence depends entirely on God. A fast involves denying one physical need to focus attention on the greatest need of all. It does not need to be a complete lack of food; simply deny yourself something you would otherwise indulge yourself in and see how quickly impatient and focused on that one thing you become. The idea is, when you feel weak and hungry, you redirect your thoughts and focus to God. Your body serves as an alarm that breaks through your daily distractions and your pre-determined mind turns that to prayer. My pastor did a straight water-only fast. The fast my house did involved beginner methods: a Vegan diet at first on a trial basis; that did and did not work. We then moved toward skipping lunch for a few weeks so we could focus that specific time to prayer and study. I found this latter method to be much more precise, consistent, and effective for me at this point.
I found the longer I went through the fast, my attitude changed about things. My prayer habits are a weak point but I saw them develop over this time. At first, my prayers were very me-centered: my frustration with others, direction in life, job problems, etc. Very horizontal. Yet as time went on, my prayers became more vertical; that is, oriented toward my relationship and attitude toward God. I wanted to know more about Him, trust Him more, know how to better understand His Word, be attuned to His leading in big and small ways.
One of the biggest things was that I've had a lot of trust issues with God since leaving home to attend BJU and being thrust into the military. Before I left home with all my belongings in my car, God promised me "Whatever you choose to do, I will bless." God did not come through like I thought he would with BJU, and I could never figure out if it was because of something I did. As a result, I've felt in exile here in the military and I've been very bitter about it for a long time. I've been wrestling with this with no satisfying answers and this has been a big stumbling block for me. God answered my concerns with clarity by addressing what is so often my biggest problem: me, though not in the binary way I was thinking.
I wrote down questions before we started the fast that were weighing on me. They were life decisions but also personal reflections. Not all are listed here, but what follows is pre-fast thinking.
- I've been trying to decide whether to stay in the Air Force for a long time; I have not enjoyed it. While reading the account of Israel in the wilderness after they left slavery in Egypt, I had this realization: I would rather be in the unknown "wilderness", knowing I was where God wanted me, instead of in "Egypt", as a "slave", my basic needs cared for, but depending on my masters for provision and wondering where God was. I wondered if I was like Israel; I wondered if I left the AF to go into the unknown, would I look back during hard times and wish I was still a "slave" that at least had food and money? I wondered if I even had the correct thinking on this issue.
I posed God questions regarding this: Should I stay in the AF? If so, how long? If I stay, where do I go next? If I leave, when and where do I go and what do I do? Where is my security, trust, and foundation; In money? In the government to provide? Do I trust God no matter my circumstances and even if I make a "mistake"?
There were other frustrations I posed to God as well, but I will leave those out for now. I poured my heart out to God and he answered via Scripture, conscience and daily circumstance. What follows is what I learned over time as I devoted myself to prayer and study.
- I am a hypocrite like the Pharisees. I cannot demand excellence from others without living up to the same standard. "By whatsoever standard you judge, you will be judged." My hypocrisy comes from self-centeredness and laziness. I must lead and set the example in all areas where I am frustrated with others or I must let these issues go. Yet I must also exercise patience and compassion in these areas with others, as God has been patient with me.
- Living by faith and being where God wants me does not mean I have to drop everything I'm doing and run off into the grand unknown. It means "deny yourself, take up your cross daily, and follow me". If God wants me to be a superstar Christian with great responsibility, that will happen when He wills. But for now, a servant must be faithful in the small things before being trusted, if ever, with the big things. There is no dishonor in daily living and labor.
- God is more concerned with my sanctification- the process of making me more like Christ and purging my sin- than anything else. I may want to be a "conquering David" for God, but He has some stuff that must be removed first and the only way to purge impurities is with fire.
- It would be easy for God to encourage a shallow faith by giving me everything I want. But I would be no better than a spoiled child who knows, no matter what trouble he is in, daddy will bail him out. However, if daddy says no, the brat will throw a tantrum and his faith will fall. Much better then is the father who trains and disciplines his child through adversity. How much greater is a faith that can say, not only is comfort a blessing, but I trust that even my suffering serves a purpose, whether or not I know the details, and will be used by God for my good and His glory.
Regarding BJU and the issues of trust and going on on faith:
Going out on faith was good. Demanding God do all the work, plus telling Him how to solve my problems, plus being wishy-washy about decisions was not. God will honor His promise to me. Move forward boldly with wisdom, careful consideration, diligent labor, and trust. And do not look back, wondering about the path not taken. Victory is assured for the Christian who commits his way to God.
- Being in the AF is not a punishment or exile. It is also not a place where I am unable to serve God. It is definitely training me and had provided me launching points and resources for whatever else I may want to pursue.
- I also finally got a good grasp on what was going on with Jesus' temptation by Satan in the wilderness. Satan's temptations seemed at best, not a big deal, and at worst, non sequitur. Ah, but that's how he is: subtle. So subtle that he can take the Word of God and twist it, ever so slightly, until the meaning is off enough to misdirect God's children. Jesus' fast, his 40 days of suffering, was to get him ready for the test of being tempted at his absolute weakest physically so there was no question of his victory in the end. Satan first questioned God's Word with "If you are the Son of God..." even though 40 days prior, the heavens had opened and the Father had announced who Jesus was. But in addition, he was persuading Jesus to use the power he rightfully had to do what he rightfully could do to feed a need that was natural and justifiable. However, Jesus retorted that he was not there for bread, but to do the will of His Father. Satan then quotes scripture, though out of context and changes the meaning to tell Jesus to put himself in harms way to see if God would really live up to his Word.
The passage Satan quotes is a Psalm about confidence in God, but Satan uses it as a tool of doubt and testing. Jesus again retorts with Scripture not to doubt and put God to the test. The last measure was just desperate as Satan offered him the kingdoms of the world for just a kneel of obeisance. Satan was offering Jesus the easy way out of the long road ahead; the road that lead to Calvary and suffering. Jesus came into the world to redeem it, but he didn't have to. He sacrificed his office, his dignity and his glory and put up with so much crap when he didn't have to. He had every right to up and leave at any time. But he cast that all aside because he loved the Father and did His will- above all entitlements and rights. THAT was the point of the temptation. Jesus won the kingdoms of the world and salvation for all by his death and resurrection the hard way.
How often do we justify leaving our duty to God because of something we may be entitled to or deserve? How often do we sin because we convince ourselves we are missing out or just deserve it, even if it is not necessarily a bad thing or action in and of itself?
I learned to stay my hand from even what I may have earned or think I deserve because I want it on God's terms, not mine.
This fast ended with a marked change in my attitude and pattern of thinking; I wasn't perfect and made some mistakes but I pressed on. I'm more at peace now. I've noticed when I start to become frustrated, it's when I've forgotten who He is and begun focusing more on me again. This fast made it easier to catch myself in that and to refocus. The other day I found myself dreading coming to work and I just wanted to throw my hands up and walk away. But I caught myself and asked myself what I really believed. And I was surprised that I could say, without any pretense of forced religious obligation, that "This too is for my sanctification." To God be the glory for making me better than I was.
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