I have issues.
I've said in this blog-journal thing before that, figuratively speaking, I'm a runner. This fact has only become more readily apparent to me this past week. The past few months have been difficult for me, and this past week was the kicker. I almost had a literal nervous breakdown at work, and in the aftermath of introspection I learned some things about myself. What exactly I learned is a rather involved process and spans a decade so I'm going to spread that over a few entries. I don't feel like writing a novel today. The theme for these entries involves trust. The key points of my breakdown involve my anti-social tendencies, my inner conflict, and my relationship to God. I hope to write these as a means to help overcome this monumental obstacle in my life.
But today I'm going to talk about why I'm anti-social. At the end of this series, you'll see how that has played into the events leading to today.
My greatest enemy in life (outside of myself, that is) seems to be Perception. Perception has burned me more than anything else, whether through my own faulty perceptions of situations and people or, much more frequently, people's perceptions of me.
My job is, at least in matter of ideals, centered around a family concept. They stress the idea that we are a family and take care of one another. However, I typically avoid after work gatherings with my co-workers. I imagine most presume I do it either out of some sense of religious moral hesitation due to their typical behavior, or perhaps outright snobbery.
The truth is, overall, I'm terrified of people. In my experience, a large percentage of people are- to some degree- petty, cruel, two-faced and judgmental (while simultaneously considering themselves "good"). They are always watching you and waiting to see if you're of any value. They want you to prove yourself to them, otherwise they will write you off. Some might treat you with kindness and talk behind your back.
I've never been one to play that game. I try to accept people at face value and just get along. I say what I mean and mean what I say (with, admittedly, a variable measure of tact and consideration). And if someone doesn't like me, I stay away from them. I have nothing to prove to anyone. But that isn't really an option in the military. The military functions much like a small community or town, with all the good and bad things that come from that setting. You can't avoid people because you need them, and they you, to get things done. You develop a reputation and get harassed or just become a pariah if you are lacking in an area. Or you can meet the status quo and be part of the Good Ol' Boys.
(On a side note, you can become a pariah or gain disapproval for not performing above and beyond your job requirements. In other words, doing your job is not enough. Think of the movie "Office Space" and the "pieces of flair" for context.)
Being around people involves a game of sorts, and it's exhausting. I try to anticipate events of the day, read between emotions, words and situations and use sound judgment in when and when not to speak or act. It's a constant razor's edge of wading through the mire of people's bullshit and trying to come out clean on the other side.
Often times I find myself analyzing the events of a social interaction well after it happened to search for any hint of subtle hostility from others or mistakes on my own part. As you can imagine, this does not contribute well to any sense of peace.
As odd as it sounds, I am a social creature. People were created to be so. There are a handful of people whom I trust and, with whom, I let my guard down. I have to have known them for years or just have had deep, open talks with them regarding life and theology. I know where they stand and they with me. Those are the people who refresh my soul.
So in short, I avoid people in my time off because I'm trying to recover from the week. If you need to rest, you don't work. When I need to rest, I avoid the people who behave like enemies.
Man, this post makes me sound like an emo teenager. Ugh.
Next time I'll talk about BJU and the issues I've been wrestling with for about a decade.
