I'm really struggling with motivation. Please forgive me if this sounds self-pitying. It helps me see things clearly when I write them.
My wife made a valid point about all the things I aspire to: they have to be sustainable long term. Fitness, diet, work, everything. And she's right. Even Olympic athletes have peak training times and down times.
There is a great deal within my life that needs to be brought to order. The only way to do so is to have the vision and initiative to execute it. This lack of order and initiative is in part what has caused me to be stuck in the rut I have been for years. My lack of initiative also carries over to and affects my wife. If I am not putting my own things in order, not only is my wife jaded and disillusioned with me: she mimics me. In other words, a leader influences, good or bad. I don't just let myself down; I let her down.
I'm finding myself not wanting to leave the comforts I cherish. I don't get out of bed in the morning to take care of things around the house because my wife is too comfortable to sleep next to (and it's the same reason we haven't found a church). I picked up playing video games again as a hobby and not as a reward for a job well done because, as before, it's an instant vicarious gratification. I put off exercise and preparing healthy meals because my job schedule is erratic and I just want to goof off when I'm home.
Do I need to go back to the chopping block and cut distractions out of my life again? And if I do, is it sustainable? Am I wrong in thinking I just lack discipline and need to get my act together? I keep thinking of all the Proverbs about laziness and putting one's house in order, and how I'm doing all the things it warns against. I don't believe that I'm expecting anything unreasonable from myself by a long shot. It just seems I need to mature and maybe even grow out of some things so that I can be a responsible adult.
Having a clean, orderly house won't last. Having a strong, fit body won't last. Even my life's work of story and art will not last. It is all temporal. But so are all the indulgences I have allowed. And the Bible seems to look more kindly toward self-discipline and order than my love of sleep and negligence toward my house.
So hypothetically, what would I need to do or lose to get things straight? Well, I would need to lose video games again, particularly DCUO, and have games be a quarterly thing as a reward. That was the initial plan that fell apart in February. I had taken over meal planning and cooking for awhile to make sure it happened. I would need to do that again. And that phrase that has defined and destroyed so much I have done: "I don't feel like it right now"; That needs to disappear.
I'm considering planning out my day with a framework schedule so I know checkpoints and times. That old saying "If you don't have a plan, you are planning to fail" has always struck a chord with me. However, if you have a plan, or schedule, that is too rigid, you are a slave to it and it will break you.
These are the result from severe character flaws. I need God to help me and direct me to what and where he wants. Because I keep falling on my own and I run out of steam when I hit various obstacles. Lord, if you don't help me, I'm on my own here.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Running
I'm a runner. Always have been. God doesn't seem to like this. There are two things you should know about me:
1) I'm a Bible-believing Christian. God moved on my heart with truth, showed me my sin, the just punishment for that sin, and called me to repent and put my trust in Jesus Christ's suffering on the cross as a substitute for me. That means I'm saved, as evangelicals call it.
2) I am also consistently anti-social. I don't like being around people most of the time, particularly in large groups, and especially when alcohol paired with emotions are involved. I don't like talking to people I barely know, with whom I have nothing in common to speak of. I loathe small talk with a passion. I'd rather say nothing than force conversation.
These two states of being are in stark contrast to one another. As a Christian, one is called, nay necessitated to belong to a communal church; one that interacts with other Believers; one that reaches out to the local community. Outside of the church, I am called to be an example of Christ in action and speech (evangelicals call this a "testimony"). However, again, I can't stand talking to people and forcing conversation.
An anti-social Christian, on the surface, seems rather futile and selfish.
The past 10 years, God has had me in a corner. Like I said, I'm a runner, and I don't think God likes this. Every situation I get into, I always have an exit strategy; a means to escape if I don't like where I am. And God has put me in a variety of situations from which there is no running.
If I had my way, I would live secluded, submitting work over fax and email, and be very comfortable having the world leave me alone. I don't want to deal with micro management or people's petty little vocational pretenses. I don't want to feel trapped by my job and feel anxious about people's expectations. The list could go on and on.
But again, I would be mostly useless. A Christian is not just a tag or title or something we claim. It is a statement of ownership. It says I am bought and paid for; I belong to someone; moreover, I am property.
With my way, it is all fun and irresponsibility. I do not grow. I indulge my selfishness. I spout platitudes that Jesus taught from a distance but do not live them where they apply and matter: around people.
Every Christian has unique gifts. Some are able preachers; some are teachers; some are nurturers and councellors. However, all these gifts are used for the benefit of others, not oneself. There is joy, no doubt, in the exercise of these gifts. It has been said that one's calling is where God's biblical commands and your passions unite. So one is not necessarily called to be miserable in a task they are unsuited for.
But I cannot reconcile my anti-social tendencies with my faith. It has required a great deal of prayer and, yes, agonizing struggle around others when I literally strain and stretch my soul inside to labor for what is right. It is an exhaustive process. This whole thing lends itself to what the Bible calls the war between one's Flesh and Spirit. My Flesh wants to indulge my comfort zone forever. My spirit wants to reach out as Christ did.
I need the experienced guidance from a Christian mentor to help me with this. I need to find a church home soon.
1) I'm a Bible-believing Christian. God moved on my heart with truth, showed me my sin, the just punishment for that sin, and called me to repent and put my trust in Jesus Christ's suffering on the cross as a substitute for me. That means I'm saved, as evangelicals call it.
2) I am also consistently anti-social. I don't like being around people most of the time, particularly in large groups, and especially when alcohol paired with emotions are involved. I don't like talking to people I barely know, with whom I have nothing in common to speak of. I loathe small talk with a passion. I'd rather say nothing than force conversation.
These two states of being are in stark contrast to one another. As a Christian, one is called, nay necessitated to belong to a communal church; one that interacts with other Believers; one that reaches out to the local community. Outside of the church, I am called to be an example of Christ in action and speech (evangelicals call this a "testimony"). However, again, I can't stand talking to people and forcing conversation.
An anti-social Christian, on the surface, seems rather futile and selfish.
The past 10 years, God has had me in a corner. Like I said, I'm a runner, and I don't think God likes this. Every situation I get into, I always have an exit strategy; a means to escape if I don't like where I am. And God has put me in a variety of situations from which there is no running.
If I had my way, I would live secluded, submitting work over fax and email, and be very comfortable having the world leave me alone. I don't want to deal with micro management or people's petty little vocational pretenses. I don't want to feel trapped by my job and feel anxious about people's expectations. The list could go on and on.
But again, I would be mostly useless. A Christian is not just a tag or title or something we claim. It is a statement of ownership. It says I am bought and paid for; I belong to someone; moreover, I am property.
With my way, it is all fun and irresponsibility. I do not grow. I indulge my selfishness. I spout platitudes that Jesus taught from a distance but do not live them where they apply and matter: around people.
Every Christian has unique gifts. Some are able preachers; some are teachers; some are nurturers and councellors. However, all these gifts are used for the benefit of others, not oneself. There is joy, no doubt, in the exercise of these gifts. It has been said that one's calling is where God's biblical commands and your passions unite. So one is not necessarily called to be miserable in a task they are unsuited for.
But I cannot reconcile my anti-social tendencies with my faith. It has required a great deal of prayer and, yes, agonizing struggle around others when I literally strain and stretch my soul inside to labor for what is right. It is an exhaustive process. This whole thing lends itself to what the Bible calls the war between one's Flesh and Spirit. My Flesh wants to indulge my comfort zone forever. My spirit wants to reach out as Christ did.
I need the experienced guidance from a Christian mentor to help me with this. I need to find a church home soon.
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