Running

I'm a runner. Always have been. God doesn't seem to like this. There are two things you should know about me:

1) I'm a Bible-believing Christian. God moved on my heart with truth, showed me my sin, the just punishment for that sin, and called me to repent and put my trust in Jesus Christ's suffering on the cross as a substitute for me. That means I'm saved, as evangelicals call it.

2) I am also consistently anti-social. I don't like being around people most of the time, particularly in large groups, and especially when alcohol paired with emotions are involved. I don't like talking to people I barely know, with whom I have nothing in common to speak of. I loathe small talk with a passion. I'd rather say nothing than force conversation.

These two states of being are in stark contrast to one another. As a Christian, one is called, nay necessitated to belong to a communal church; one that interacts with other Believers; one that reaches out to the local community. Outside of the church, I am called to be an example of Christ in action and speech (evangelicals call this a "testimony"). However, again, I can't stand talking to people and forcing conversation.

An anti-social Christian, on the surface, seems rather futile and selfish.

The past 10 years, God has had me in a corner. Like I said, I'm a runner, and I don't think God likes this. Every situation I get into, I always have an exit strategy; a means to escape if I don't like where I am. And God has put me in a variety of situations from which there is no running.

If I had my way, I would live secluded, submitting work over fax and email, and be very comfortable having the world leave me alone. I don't want to deal with micro management or people's petty little vocational pretenses. I don't want to feel trapped by my job and feel anxious about people's expectations. The list could go on and on.

But again, I would be mostly useless. A Christian is not just a tag or title or something we claim. It is a statement of ownership. It says I am bought and paid for; I belong to someone; moreover, I am property.

With my way, it is all fun and irresponsibility. I do not grow. I indulge my selfishness. I spout platitudes that Jesus taught from a distance but do not live them where they apply and matter: around people.

Every Christian has unique gifts. Some are able preachers; some are teachers; some are nurturers and councellors. However, all these gifts are used for the benefit of others, not oneself. There is joy, no doubt, in the exercise of these gifts. It has been said that one's calling is where God's biblical commands and your passions unite. So one is not necessarily called to be miserable in a task they are unsuited for.

But I cannot reconcile my anti-social tendencies with my faith. It has required a great deal of prayer and, yes, agonizing struggle around others when I literally strain and stretch my soul inside to labor for what is right. It is an exhaustive process. This whole thing lends itself to what the Bible calls the war between one's Flesh and Spirit. My Flesh wants to indulge my comfort zone forever. My spirit wants to reach out as Christ did.

I need the experienced guidance from a Christian mentor to help me with this. I need to find a church home soon.