A little sleep

I'm really struggling with motivation. Please forgive me if this sounds self-pitying. It helps me see things clearly when I write them.

My wife made a valid point about all the things I aspire to: they have to be sustainable long term. Fitness, diet, work, everything. And she's right. Even Olympic athletes have peak training times and down times.

There is a great deal within my life that needs to be brought to order. The only way to do so is to have the vision and initiative to execute it. This lack of order and initiative is in part what has caused me to be stuck in the rut I have been for years. My lack of initiative also carries over to and affects my wife. If I am not putting my own things in order, not only is my wife jaded and disillusioned with me: she mimics me. In other words, a leader influences, good or bad. I don't just let myself down; I let her down.

I'm finding myself not wanting to leave the comforts I cherish. I don't get out of bed in the morning to take care of things around the house because my wife is too comfortable to sleep next to (and it's the same reason we haven't found a church). I picked up playing video games again as a hobby and not as a reward for a job well done because, as before, it's an instant vicarious gratification. I put off exercise and preparing healthy meals because my job schedule is erratic and I just want to goof off when I'm home.

Do I need to go back to the chopping block and cut distractions out of my life again? And if I do, is it sustainable? Am I wrong in thinking I just lack discipline and need to get my act together? I keep thinking of all the Proverbs about laziness and putting one's house in order, and how I'm doing all the things it warns against. I don't believe that I'm expecting anything unreasonable from myself by a long shot. It just seems I need to mature and maybe even grow out of some things so that I can be a responsible adult.

Having a clean, orderly house won't last. Having a strong, fit body won't last. Even my life's work of story and art will not last. It is all temporal. But so are all the indulgences I have allowed. And the Bible seems to look more kindly toward self-discipline and order than my love of sleep and negligence toward my house.

So hypothetically, what would I need to do or lose to get things straight? Well, I would need to lose video games again, particularly DCUO, and have games be a quarterly thing as a reward. That was the initial plan that fell apart in February. I had taken over meal planning and cooking for awhile to make sure it happened. I would need to do that again. And that phrase that has defined and destroyed so much I have done: "I don't feel like it right now"; That needs to disappear.

I'm considering planning out my day with a framework schedule so I know checkpoints and times. That old saying "If you don't have a plan, you are planning to fail" has always struck a chord with me. However, if you have a plan, or schedule, that is too rigid, you are a slave to it and it will break you.

These are the result from severe character flaws. I need God to help me and direct me to what and where he wants. Because I keep falling on my own and I run out of steam when I hit various obstacles. Lord, if you don't help me, I'm on my own here.