Proposal for a Successful Superman Game: Finale

Let's talk about the world Superman would interact with.

Building a World

Managing Locations

Superman's world needs to be massive in order to accommodate his maneuverability and speed. A Superman game can't be limited to a street or even an isolated city. A Superman game needs to be a global game.

This doesn't mean that we need to craft an entire world however. My recommendation is to craft large, but specific locations that Superman can travel within and then "jump" between.

A game designer can only build a finite world, but the player must have a sense of freedom while in that finite world. If, while in a city, the player decides to blast into orbit, they should be able to. However, there can only be a set number of locations to visit from there due to the limitations of hardware and data storage. Superman will not be flying along the interstate between Gotham City and Metropolis.

Imagine the player hovering from orbit and cycling through various cities and locations to explore; each location larger in size than the city in BAC. That's a massive undertaking.

There is also the issue of intergalactic and dimensional travel where necessary. Superman would utilize "Boom Tubes" in order to expedite travel from one planet to the next.

Load times would be utilized between city sections, entering buildings or tunnels, or moving between cities and planets.

Locations I propose would be:
1. Metropolis
a. Suicide Slums
b. Cadmus and STAR Labs
c. Daily Planet and downtown
d. Lexcorp
2. Smallville
3. Fortress of Solitude and the Arctic
4. Apokalypse
5. War World
6. The Phantom Zone
7. Kandor

Collateral Damage

Each map would be arranged with 3 levels: A sub-level, ground level, and sky. The ground level, particularly in cities, would be completely destructible. If Superman is hit hard enough, he can be blasted through the ground into the sewer system, leaving a gaping hole in the streets. Also, using X-Ray vision, he could identify which areas under the ground he could use to fly under an enemy on the ground level and attack from beneath.

These streets could be utilized as weapons to boot. Superman could lift a stretch of asphalt from under an enemy like snapping a rug from under someone.

Naturally, considerate guy that he is, Superman would want to avoid as much collateral damage as possible in cities. Collision detection would be very important and the destruction of the environment would depend on what hit it and how hard and fast. Superman should not stub his toe on a building and bring it crumbling down. While inside a building, Superman could blast through to the top by going through each floor for a quick exit.

Missions and Objectives

Missions would naturally occur as the game progressed with the various threats that come in the main campaign. Side missions can be picked up via investigating pleas for help, examining crime scenes, aiding fellow heroes, embarking on training missions, or following leads from the Daily Planet.
Missions can be tracked and managed via a simple interface in the pause menu.

A Worthy Challenge: Enemies

Superman needs enemies that can challenge him in mind, body and spirit. Some villains might present him with mysteries, investigations, or rescue missions. These can be side missions that must be discovered before beginning. Others would simply be combative challenges. Then some villains might do both.

For puzzles, mysteries, investigations, and hunting, I propose:
Lex Luthor
Mr. Mxyzptlk
Darkseid
Braniac
Cadmus

For physical challenges and combat, I propose:
Braniac and his armada
General Zod and the Phantom Zone criminals
Darkseid and Apokalypse
Doomsday
Cyborg Superman
Bizarro
Metallo
Magic users such as Silver Banshee
Mongol

Side Missions: Allies

Superman would pick up various missions to aid his fellow crime fighters within his direct mythos. Busting up gangs, gathering (or eliminating) research samples, detective work- you name it. Allies with quests (by location) could include:

Metropolis
Guardian
Gangbuster
Bibbo Bibbowski
Lois Lane
Dan Turpin
Captain Maggie Sawyer
Professor Emil Hamilton
Black Lightning

Fortress of Solitude
Power Girl
Steel
Eradicator

Apokalypse
Orion
Mr. Miracle
Big Barda

Smallville
Supergirl
Superboy
Lana Lang

Extras and Unlockables

Everyone loves unlockables. So here's a few I would want to see.

Costumes and skins:
Earth-2 Superman: Unlock by Leaping 1000 tall buildings in a single bound
Perk: Doubles attack power; Reduces health by 25%
Regeneration Suit: Unlock by completing all Fortress of Solitude side missions.
Perk: grants faster health regeneration; Reduces Strength by 25%
Emperor Joker costume: Unlock by completing Mr. Mxyzptlk's side quest
Kingdom Come: Unlock by completing Wonder Woman and Captain Marvel's training
Perk: Increases Health by 15%; Reduces Speed by 15%
Superman Beyond: Unlock by completing all side missions
Perk: Increases Speed by 10%; Lowers XP gained by 5%
Doomsday Armor: Unlock by defeating Doomsday
Perk: Increases Defense by 15%; lowers AP by 10%
Elseworlds Batman: Unlock by saving 100 citizens; cause over $20 million in damage to Metropolis
Superman Blue: Unlock by finishing Professor Emil Hamilton's missions
Perk: Increases AP by 25%, Increases Super Power strength by 15%; lowers Defense by 25%
Justice Lord costume: Unlock by finishing the game with the dark path
Blue Lantern Superman: Unlock by finishing the game with the light path



So that's my proposal. Is it ambitious and immense? Absolutely. But it's not impossible. Are you listening, Rocksteady?

Proposal for a Successful Superman Game: Part 3

Last time I wrote about basic controls. Now we'll get into the nitty gritty of things.

Task Management: Crisis or otherwise

What if Superman couldn't save every last person in a crisis? He may be powerful, but he is not omnipotent. Consider that perhaps Superman, with limited time to act, couldn't save them because if he moved as fast as he could, it would physically harm the people he wanted to save. Superman may be immune to negative effects of G-forces, but humans aren't. He is also bound by the constraints of time, no matter how fast he is.

In order to approach this, the player must consider the balance of time, quantity of tasks to be performed in that time, and, if applicable, target endurance (such as civilians).

To implement this, I recommend a system similar to "V.A.T.S." from the Fallout series. However, this mode would not stop time completely as with V.A.T.S. The player would hold down a button to enter a sort of "Bullet Time" mode. This effect was used in BAC for the Line Launcher tool if the player wished to fire a second line in a different direction. For the unfamiliar, it slows time down to allow the player to make better decisions.

In this mode, every possible objective and target would be highlighted. The player would be presented with a meter like in Fallout with a set number of "Action Points". Action Points would represent the time necessary to implement that action. Using the right analog stick, the player could select various targets to attack or rescue. Each selection, depending on the type, would cost a set number of action points.

Players will have to balance their selections in hopes of doing the most good with the time they have. Do you save all the people while letting the building fall into another, which would potentially put even more people in harms way? Or do you let some fall to their doom to stop the impending massive destruction?

Action Points could be increased via skill training; however, the cost for each target would remain constant. They would regenerate automatically.

Alignment

Based on decisions, Superman's alignment and the way he is perceived can be affected over time. Of course, Superman won't become evil, but he can become a darker version of himself if his decisions seem ruthless or destructive enough. This is inspired by Spider-man Web of Shadows.
Superman's alignment can affect different power upgrades and also costumes accessible to players.

Stats and Leveling Up

Superman needs to have all his basic powers from the start, otherwise it doesn't make sense. However, there's nothing that says he can't become more efficient.

Health and Power

As long as Superman is outside directly underneath a yellow sun, his health will regenerate slowly but automatically. In areas where the sun is not available, his health can be replenished in combat or by solving various challenges and puzzles from his enemies, as in BAC.

Experience

Superman would gain experience points in order to level up. With each level, he would acquire points that could be spent to augment one of his skills. Each skill would have a plateau that would need to be broken through via training and challenges.

Experience can also be used to enhance Superman's resistances to various attacks. In the comics, Superman developed a bit of resistance to Kryptonite little by little over the years. Skill points could be used to increase resistances to Kryptonite, Magic, Red sun energy, Concussive Blast pushback, and super powered Melee damage.

Training

Superman would be able to utilize various training programs and challenges to enhance his abilities. Training programs at the Fortress of Solitude as well as training sessions and challenges with various Justice League members would allow him to become better. Speed training with The Flash or combat training with Wonder Woman and Captain Marvel would all be used to break through leveling plateaus and grant new techniques.

Trainers and upgrades could include:
Wonder Woman: Combat techniques and counters
Captain Marvel: Combat strength and Magic resistance
Martian Manhunter: Super Power amplification and Action points
The Flash: Speed training

Next time I'll talk about setting up a world that's big enough for Superman and how he'll interact with it.

Proposal for a Successful Superman Game: Part 2

- The Proposal-

Engaging the Player

Imagine a classic Superman scenario…

Superman is in downtown Metropolis. A giant Braniac robot is on the rampage. The city street is in ruins. Holes have been punched through the asphalt, revealing the sewers below. Water lines are spewing into the air. Devastated emergency response vehicles litter the street. Superman rockets toward the Braniac bot, knocking aside smaller robots leading a charge toward him. As he nears, the giant robot blasts him with a concussive laser, sending him careening into the side of a skyscraper at dizzying speed. Superman recovers quickly but notices now the skyscraper's supports have collapsed, and the building is beginning to topple sideways. People who were moments before spectators of the titanic battle are falling from the windows. At super speed, Superman calculates a trajectory to intercept the falling people, bringing them to safety. Immediately after, he catches the building on one of its supports and struggles to place it safely to the ground.

Now angered, Superman soars toward the robot again at super-sonic speed. The windows of nearby buildings shatter with the force. He dodges another concussive laser and this time, flies under the robot, and punches directly through it from underneath. As he emerges from the top of the robots shell, it sputters and collapses to the ground.

Now, how would you like to play a game where you get to do all of that?

In order to capture the Superman experience, you must address the problems I mentioned before: powers, confinement, and control. Also, the challenges presented to Superman must not only be that of brute strength, but must challenge his mind and his ethics as well. Superman is more than just muscle, and many of his enemies challenge his mind and ethics more than his powers. However, yes, Superman needs some challenges that can go toe-to-toe with him and then some. He needs to be able to let loose for the player to get the full experience. Fortunately, there are plenty of opportunities if you look in the right places.

Simplicity and Ease of Control

Much of the control scheme I propose is inspired by the controls for Batman: Arkham City, hereafter referred to as BAC. Naturally there will be variations attuned to Superman's unique abilities, but the core ideas are from BAC. As a point of reference, I will at times use the PS3 controller as an example.

Basic Movement

Superman can walk using the left analog stick. Hold down the X button to make him run. Double tap and hold the X button to make him move at super speed.
Superman will move effortlessly over obstacles, no jumping required. If running toward a building, Superman will automatically leap up and over it rather than hit the wall. This can be adjusted mid-jump via the left analog stick should the player wish to land atop the building instead. Just press toward the obstacle to scale or perch on it. To drop from a perch, press the Circle button. If a significant jump is necessary when not running, tap R1. Hold R1 to enter Flight mode.

At the top of the screen would be a compass. Top left would be health and Action Points (see Crisis Management below).

Combat

Superman isn't a dynamic martial artist, though he is capable in his own right. Simple punch and kick combos can be assigned to a single button press like BAC and allow for "free flow combos". Superman should also be able to "charge up" his punches by way of holding down the attack button to allow for earth-shattering blows. A second button would initiate stuns for sturdier foes. Instant takedowns can be used like BAC.

Superman needs the ability to block on top of performing counters, so I recommend a Guard button tap for counters and a button hold for overt Blocking. His blocks and counters will vary based on context. There's no need to Block for things such as bullets from thugs. They just bounce right off and cause zero damage. Rockets can be caught in mid-air and thrown back at targets.

To be clear, conventional weaponry does zero damage to Superman. Larger military grade weaponry might knock him back slightly, but absolutely no damage, or even stuns, results from this.

Powers can be cycled through using a directional pad, also like BAC, and executed much in the same way through a careful aiming reticle or quick-fire combo attacks. Superman should have his entire arsenal right from the start. These can be enhanced to even greater heights via training, which I will address later.
The environment can also be used in a battle. Usable objects will be auto-identified and can be equipped or used by an on-screen prompted button press when Superman is nearby. Things like street signs, cars, boulders and even strips of asphalt can be utilized should the player wish.

From a distance on the ground or in the air, Superman can auto-target airborne enemies and rocket toward them with an on-screen prompted button press. This is much like BAC's Glide Kick.

Combat will remain the same whether on the ground or in the air.

Flight

Flight will make or break a Superman game. My proposal takes inspiration from the Dragonball Z: Budokai Tenkaichi/Sparking games. Using the PS3's controller as an example, I propose using a shoulder button like R1 to ascend and R2 to descend. The player may move through the air at an even pace using the left analog stick and move at a swift pace by holding the X button while moving. A double tap of the X button will cause Superman to go to super-sonic speeds. Once super-sonic, simply hold the X button to continue. The player can move up or down while flying in any direction, at any speed, by using R1 or R2. The camera will auto-correct while flying and adjust behind Superman. (This can be turned off if the player wishes.)Double tapping R1 or R2 while flying in a straight line will cause Superman to do a U-turn.

As a note, flying or even flying swiftly will not damage the environment. But if Superman goes supersonic, he is essentially a freight train and will destroy anything in his path.

Targeting enemies while flying goes back to BAC's "Glide Kick" function. Superman will auto-identify potential targets during flight. This auto-ID will give an on-screen prompt/option indicating a button press should the player wish to engage the enemy. With the button press, Superman will change his trajectory to make a bee-line for the enemy. Simply hold the button to continue attack trajectory.

Counters will also be fully integrated into flight. If, as Superman soars toward the enemy on his attack trajectory, and the enemy attempts to shoot him out of the sky, the player can tap the Guard button to allow Superman to dodge the attack and even change his attack trajectory mid-flight if necessary (such as with the Braniac bot's demise in the earlier scenario).

Superman will also be able to carry any targetable object from the environment while in flight.

Quicktime Events

Quicktime events come into play with events or actions that are too complicated for basic play control, or to give a sense of struggle and urgency to a player. An example of a quicktime event might be the collapsing building from our scenario. The player can target and fly to the building to catch it, but the actual support of, and successful prevention of the building's collapse could be implemented by a rapid button press prompt. More dire situations could shake things up by varying, multiple button presses thrown at the player to keep them on their toes.

Managing Powers

Superman's powers have a variety of uses in and out of combat. Each instance must feel effective and intuitive. As stated above, I believe using a directional pad interface to select these individual powers would be the best approach. Also they would utilize either a target reticle or quick-fire combat maneuver.

Combative

Superman's basic combat powers would incorporate Heat vision and Ice breath. Heat vision would be a basic long distance attack, while Ice breath would help with crowd control by freezing multiple enemies in place, or slowing them down.

Using artistic license, you could add in a few extra attacks for quick-fire maneuvers. Adding in a Ground punch to act as a shockwave would help if Superman were surrounded.

Utilitarian

Superman's powers can be used to solve a variety of problems outside of combat. BAC gave Batman a nigh-omniscient means of monitoring his environment using "Detective Mode" and radio monitoring of enemies' communication networks. Superman's super hearing and X-Ray vision would be used in the exact same way. With the quick tap of a button, X-Ray vision would let Superman identify enemies' nature (human, robot, alien, etc.), threat, weapons, position, etc. Superman would be able to see through walls and attack if warranted. His hearing would let him pick up on enemy communication and hear pleas for help from civilians.

Of course, he would be unable to see through lead, so that could be incorporated into various puzzles or scenarios in a limited fashion.

Superman's heat vision can be used to weld metal together, burn out electronics, super heat weapons in unsuspecting thugs' hands, or make precise cuts through barriers if the situation does not merit to punching through them. His ice breath can cool off fires, freeze water, and slow explosive component reactions.

Superman's super strength would be used to open up new paths, build improvised bridges or structures for NPCs' safety, lift large objects, etc.

Next time, I'll talk about Crisis management, skills, and ethical choices.

Proposal for a Successful Superman Game: Part 1

A good Superman video game has eluded the market for as long as games have existed. Nearly every iteration bearing Superman’s likeness has been atrocious. In some instances, this could be attributed to limited technological capabilities in the past. In others it comes down to bad design. However, the biggest hurdle seems to be the clash between the nature of the character and video games.

I believe we are at a point in technology and game development where a good Superman game is possible. Over-the-top power fantasy games like God of War, along with the fantastic implementation of free roaming super hero antics seen in Batman: Arkham City, lead me to believe it is finally time.

First, let’s cover a basic understanding of Superman, video games, and how to make these two play well together. We’ll identify what went wrong in past games, why, and learn from those mistakes. Finally, I will detail my proposal for a Superman video game of monumental proportions.

Superman and Video Games

I doubt I need to elaborate on Superman much. We all know his basic abilities: super strength, invulnerability, super speed, flight, X-Ray vision, Heat vision, Ice breath, super hearing- the guy has it all. He gets his powers from Earth’s yellow sun, so in its absence, his powers gradually drain, especially under a red sun. We also know his big weakness: Kryptonite. There is a lesser known, but just as important weakness: Magic. Of course in regard to character, we know Superman is the goody-two-shoes Boy Scout; Truth, Justice, and the American Way: hard work, honesty, and fair play.

Video games of course need to have a clear objective for a player and, in the case of adventure games, need to have a sense of danger to the player. There must be a level of challenge (varies for each player’s taste) and also needs to be a rewarding experience. Players want to invest in the struggle and come away with a sense of accomplishment.

So the crux of the problem is: how do you create a video game that feels fun, challenging and rewarding for a player when your hero is essentially invincible?

I believe good writing and direction can overcome this. The developer must understand not only Superman’s abilities, but his character as well. Conflict is the essence of drama, and a writer that understands Superman’s character will understand his conflict with the world around him. Find the conflict and you are one step closer to your objective.

Of course, all that aside, players do want the vicarious feeling of soaring through the sky, leaping tall buildings in a single bound, etc. The experience must be, well, super.

Past Failures

As I said earlier, past Superman games have been terrible experiences for a variety of reasons. Hopefully by analyzing a few of them, we can understand what not to do.

Problem #1: Powers
We’ve established that the biggest problem with Superman games is the conflict between his abilities and the nature of games. Many developers in the past have approached this by eliminating some of his powers altogether, or limiting them to “power ups” found throughout the game. Most of the games prior to the Playstation 2 took this route.

The issue becomes one of frustration, as the player does not feel the experience is one where they are taking over the role of Superman. A player naturally does not feel “super” when they must worry about things like collision with enemies’ very bodies causing Superman to be damaged. Or hurt by bullets and knives. Or chainsaws. Superman should not have a glass jaw that can be shattered by everyday thugs. A player needs to feel empowered playing as Superman- it’s the classic American boyhood dream come true.

Problem #2: Confinement
The older games were limited in the scope of the world Superman could maneuver through, which also crippled the experience. Not only was Superman fragile, he was stuck on the ground, or in some cases, could hover a bit. He was restricted to a very finite area, perhaps an alleyway. Yet the very idea of flight implies freedom in a wide expanse. A Superman game needs its world to be huge; by necessity it must allow a larger than life experience for a character who is that way.

There were a couple games that got the area of flight going in the right direction. I personally feel Superman: Shadow of Apokalypse for the Playstation 2 is the best Superman game made so far, and I enjoyed the flight mechanics there. But Superman Returns on the Xbox also did this one area right. It gave a good sized city to run around in and allowed super-sonic flight. That was really the only redeeming value of the game.

On top of freedom to take to the skies, however, there is the need for Superman to not be limited by environmental obstacles. A chain link fence should not prevent the Man of Steel from advancing. While Superman is considerate of his surroundings and collateral damage, there should never be an instance where a simple wall is halting his progress. This of course means destructible environments are necessary, which can be either a boon or a crisis depending on context.

Problem #3: Control
One of the most notorious examples of a bad Superman game, often heralded as one of the worst games ever made, was Superman (often referred to as Superman64) for the Nintendo 64. Why was it so maligned? The most common answers are terrible objectives (the rings!), level design, collision detection, and the control scheme.

More than any other feature, a poor control scheme will ruin a game. A player has enough to deal with regarding intentional, in-game challenges; they should not have to fight the game in order to make it operate the way they intend.

Superman has a diverse arsenal of powers and must make decisions on the fly. He can’t save the day while fighting with lousy, confusing control. An interface to control Superman must feel simple, contextual, and intuitive.

Is It Possible?

These seem like daunting obstacles for a game. For a game developer, what I just described likely sounds like a nightmare of development.

What follows in my next post is my proposal for a Superman game. Understand, it is massive and ambitious in scope. It is not something lightly approached, and any developer willing to attempt it would have to have an enormous team and a lot of funding to make it happen. But thanks largely to the development and massive commercial success of Batman: Arkham City by Rocksteady, I believe it is possible. A team like Rocksteady is ready to make this a reality.

The Linchpin, part 1

I have issues.

I've said in this blog-journal thing before that, figuratively speaking, I'm a runner. This fact has only become more readily apparent to me this past week. The past few months have been difficult for me, and this past week was the kicker. I almost had a literal nervous breakdown at work, and in the aftermath of introspection I learned some things about myself. What exactly I learned is a rather involved process and spans a decade so I'm going to spread that over a few entries. I don't feel like writing a novel today. The theme for these entries involves trust. The key points of my breakdown involve my anti-social tendencies, my inner conflict, and my relationship to God. I hope to write these as a means to help overcome this monumental obstacle in my life.

But today I'm going to talk about why I'm anti-social. At the end of this series, you'll see how that has played into the events leading to today.

My greatest enemy in life (outside of myself, that is) seems to be Perception. Perception has burned me more than anything else, whether through my own faulty perceptions of situations and people or, much more frequently, people's perceptions of me.

My job is, at least in matter of ideals, centered around a family concept. They stress the idea that we are a family and take care of one another. However, I typically avoid after work gatherings with my co-workers. I imagine most presume I do it either out of some sense of religious moral hesitation due to their typical behavior, or perhaps outright snobbery.

The truth is, overall, I'm terrified of people. In my experience, a large percentage of people are- to some degree- petty, cruel, two-faced and judgmental (while simultaneously considering themselves "good"). They are always watching you and waiting to see if you're of any value. They want you to prove yourself to them, otherwise they will write you off. Some might treat you with kindness and talk behind your back.

I've never been one to play that game. I try to accept people at face value and just get along. I say what I mean and mean what I say (with, admittedly, a variable measure of tact and consideration). And if someone doesn't like me, I stay away from them. I have nothing to prove to anyone. But that isn't really an option in the military. The military functions much like a small community or town, with all the good and bad things that come from that setting. You can't avoid people because you need them, and they you, to get things done. You develop a reputation and get harassed or just become a pariah if you are lacking in an area. Or you can meet the status quo and be part of the Good Ol' Boys.

(On a side note, you can become a pariah or gain disapproval for not performing above and beyond your job requirements. In other words, doing your job is not enough. Think of the movie "Office Space" and the "pieces of flair" for context.)

Being around people involves a game of sorts, and it's exhausting. I try to anticipate events of the day, read between emotions, words and situations and use sound judgment in when and when not to speak or act. It's a constant razor's edge of wading through the mire of people's bullshit and trying to come out clean on the other side.

Often times I find myself analyzing the events of a social interaction well after it happened to search for any hint of subtle hostility from others or mistakes on my own part. As you can imagine, this does not contribute well to any sense of peace.

As odd as it sounds, I am a social creature. People were created to be so. There are a handful of people whom I trust and, with whom, I let my guard down. I have to have known them for years or just have had deep, open talks with them regarding life and theology. I know where they stand and they with me. Those are the people who refresh my soul.

So in short, I avoid people in my time off because I'm trying to recover from the week. If you need to rest, you don't work. When I need to rest, I avoid the people who behave like enemies.

Man, this post makes me sound like an emo teenager. Ugh.

Next time I'll talk about BJU and the issues I've been wrestling with for about a decade.

The End of Sarcasm

Sarcasm has been a part of my behavior for as long as I can remember. It comes in a variety of forms, some charming and some hostile. As I've grown older, it seems the hostile forms have increased in frequency. Therein lies the problem.

One of my reasons for anti-social tendencies is because I find people to be generally hostile, petty, self-righteous and untrustworthy, especially regarding anything that doesn't conform to group think. This applies regardless of the sort of group in question, so this is not so much of a popular-status-quo-group objection as much as an observation of human behavioral common denominators. Hence, I tend to approach people with caution.


In general I find that a group will offer general passive-aggressive lip service to one another in person, and then immediately talk behind a person's back when said person is absent. To me, gossip is the epitome of cowardice. I find it baffling that a person would talk behind another person's back to a group that is almost certainly going to do the same to the speaker, or any other member of the group, when they are absent. Even more baffling is that one person might consider anyone within this group a "friend".

This talk ranges from light to outright furious tearing down of one's character and actions. And if this commentary catches on, it can then become a group inside joke, spoken when the person in question is gone. Enter the venomously sarcastic hyperbole.

What I mean by sarcastic hyperbole is similar to a snowball effect in regard to satiric exaggeration. One person might see a member of the group with a bad haircut. When that person is gone, one of them might remark sarcastically how much they "love" that terrible haircut. The next person might remark that they loved it so much that they will be getting one themself. A third person might chime in about that bad haircut being so great that they received some sort of sexual satisfaction from seeing it. Continue the exaggeration ad nauseum.

I admit, I'm guilty of this sort of sarcasm, though I do it to people's faces, and typically it's a teasing more than overt hostility. However, of late, I've become more aware of the power of a person's words to lift someone up or to tear them down. Even when I've had good intentions for my words- in some cases, well meaning criticisms- I've done irreparable harm to people I care about. I also am acutely aware of things that were said to me by various individuals that stay with me to this day. We all try to put up a tough guy front, but I imagine everyone can remember turning points in their lives where someone said something, regardless of the intent, that stayed with them their whole lives, for good or ill.

Words- all words- have power. And the Christian should remember that the Bible says emphatically that every idle word will be called into account by God. The book of Proverbs has so much to say about good and evil speech and how much destruction words can cause. And yet I've mostly ignored it out of my own self-righteousness.

So this week, I've resolved to end my tendency to make sarcastic remarks. My wife expressed some degree of disappointment because she thinks my comments, at least the non-hostile ones, are generally funny. But I need to get a handle on my words.

Good friends have told me that, at times, I can come off as somewhat stuck up. I admit, this also baffles me, but if it's true, this is also a problem. Perception is always my enemy and it seems I give off signals I don't intend to rather frequently. So the last thing I need is to come off as stuck up and, due to sarcasm, condescending. I need to reflect Christ as a Christian, or the term will have no meaning at all.

Seeds

I come across a lot of interesting anecdotes as a teacher. One of the stories that stood out to me most is because it shocked me and changed my perspective on people as a whole.

When it comes to wisdom, I often make the mistake that people consider decisions and truths much in the same way I do. It’s been said that it is a great folly to assume other people think the way you do. I always figured that people evaluate information based on two basic criteria: whether it’s true, and whether they want to accept it and apply it. A person can do one or both, which is the way I’ve typically approached things. I always assumed that when someone rejected sound wisdom it was based on one of those two things. I’ve seen people accept something as true but blatantly ignore it, as well as someone consciously welcome a lie with open arms.

The student in question was having a discussion with his classmates about various vices in life. It was then he stated that he had never had the desire to smoke until his father warned him not to. This caught my attention and I inquired further. He told me that his dad had smoked all his life and had warned his son about what smoking did to one’s health, appearance, and finances. Yet for some reason, this experiential wisdom passed on by a concerned father was the thing that placed the seed of desire into his son.

That baffled me to no end. The son could see the results of his father’s vice in front of him and hear his father’s clear warning regarding it. All these evidential negatives were collected and presented like exhibits in a courtroom. Why then would this spark a desire to do it? Is that not the epitome of foolishness?

I assumed this was perhaps an isolated incident, but as I asked around the classroom, and then people I was acquainted with as time passed, I found this to be the norm rather than the exception. People will do -even passionately pursue- something for no other reason than that someone told them not to do it.

I can only wonder as to the reasoning within the heart (if there is any) that allows this foolishness to blossom. It seems the rebellion is of a selective sort. You generally don’t see people shooting themselves with guns just because someone warned them it would kill them. So what defines the terms of this rebellion? Is it an issue of perceived time? Such as, a gun will kill you instantly, but a cigarette will take years. If so, that makes the rebellion much more petty and childish when all they are doing is playing a game with time. It’s almost like a “See? I can get away with it! You were wrong! Your rules don’t apply to me!” If that rebel were truly serious about proving the other wrong, they would opt for the instant version over the prolonged version. And that would be a very short-lived rebellion indeed.

I’ve known friends who have challenged sound wisdom and authority because they fooled themselves into thinking they were special- that they were above any consequence and could beat “the system”, whatever system that might be of authority or causality. It’s like an insolent child with a smug little sneer, irrationally stamping his foot at his parent and yelling “No!” for no other reason than a rebellious assertion of that child’s coveted autonomy.

I’ve recognized humanity’s tendency to rebel against honest authority and sound wisdom based on poor reasoning or just selfish desire. But to rebel for the sake of rebelling is the most arrogant, childish, foolishness I can think of. It’s been said that we would all kill God if we had the means, simply so that we would answer to no one. That seed of rebellion resides in every person deep down. If we can usurp God, then we can be our own gods and do as we wish; we can be our own definition of righteousness. It is foolish arrogance of the highest order. It was the sin in the Garden of Eden. We were told we could rebel against God, be our own gods, and there would be no consequence. It is the oldest lie in history and one we keep falling for. It’s how Satan works.

What I Believe

Over the course of my work, you may see characters make some controversial statements. Understand that I write characters as they would be, and this has no bearing on my personal beliefs. But if you’re curious, the following is a concise detailing of my understanding and belief in light of Christendom. In brief, I align with the “Apostle’s Creed”. But here goes:

God
• I believe there is one true God
• I believe in God the Father, and His only Son, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit.
• I believe in the concept of the Trinity- that The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit are all one and the same God: three distinct personalities in one being in complete harmony.
• I believe that all three were participants in the act of Creation as depicted in Genesis.
• I believe that God is still actively working in and guiding His creation and has been throughout history. It is by His will alone that we continue to exist.
• I believe in the aseity of God; that is, God’s existence that has no beginning or end and has complete self-sufficiency. His existence depends on nothing apart from Himself.
• I believe in His holiness; that is his pre-eminent uniqueness and loftiness above all else; that He is in a class all his own and none can come close to His being. It is because of this holiness that our sin is so treasonous, and justice must be served.

The Bible
• I believe the Bible is the inspired, inerrant word of God.
• I believe there is one correct way to interpret it, as with any literary work, and that there is a theme and harmony amongst the different books despite the different authors.
• I believe that the Bible is a reliable source of not only spiritual information and verified prophecy, but is validated by the different sciences of archaeology, anthropology, biology, astronomy as well as secular historians.

Jesus Christ
• I believe Jesus Christ was the Messiah, the prophesized prophet, priest, king, heavenly being and suffering servant foretold throughout the Old Testament.
• I believe Jesus was born of a virgin, conceived solely by the will of God.
• I believe Jesus Christ was completely God and completely human, yet without sin.
• I believe Jesus’ mission on earth was to live a perfect, sinless life on earth, to succeed where Adam failed, and then to die in our place, only to be resurrected and glorified thereafter.
• I believe he was completely sinless and died on a cross as a willing, innocent, unblemished sacrifice as was pictured by the Old Testament sacrifice of a perfect lamb. This was his mission from the start.
• I believe he rose from the dead after 3 days as he said he would. I believe he ascended into Heaven 40 days later and promised to return.
• I believe Jesus Christ was the image of and perfected the Old Testament Mosaic Law in his life and brought a new covenant into this world upon its completion. He succeeded where Adam failed, thus his title of “The Second Adam”.
• I believe Jesus Christ acts as a mediator between believers and the Father, acting on the behalf of those whom his blood has paid for and imparting his righteousness toward their account.
• I believe Jesus sits at the right hand of the Father and has been given the authority to judge all the earth in the final days. He will judge every person according to everything they have ever thought, said or done.

Good
• I believe good is defined as anything in thought or deed that reflects the character of God- God is the standard of good.
• I believe only God can declare another being righteous as he is the author of it.
• I believe one cannot be declared ultimately good/righteous without faith in God and His promises as he has stated.

Sin
• I believe in Sin, which is any act, thought or deed in rebellion of, or contrast to the laws of God that stem from His holy character. Sin is thus a crime against God’s authority and nature. It is cosmic high treason.
• I believe the Bible and the Law within it identifies and condemns all sin in action and in thought. The Eternal Moral Law of God governs every human being regardless of belief and is the basis for human ethics.
• I believe all of humanity, every last individual, is guilty of sin and that no one can atone for his or her sin, just as no good work erases a crime.
• I believe that sin separates us from God, and that the just penalty for any sin is judgment and eternal separation, or damnation, from God.
• I believe that final dwelling place of sinners is a place called Hell, which is a literal place of eternal torment originally made to punish Satan and his rebellious angels.
• I believe that God does not look lightly upon sin, but that He is filled with intense fury over it and is justified in doing so.

Salvation
• I believe that Salvation from our sin, and its penalty, has been provided for by God alone.
• I believe Salvation is not something we can earn by good works or by any merit of ourselves, but is given entirely of God’s grace and mercy.
• I believe Jesus Christ’s sacrifice on the cross - a perfect, sinless scapegoat- is the only payment God accepts in place of a person’s just condemnation.
• I believe the Bible teaches Repentance, which is to turn away from one’s path [of sin].
• I believe the Bible teaches Faith, which is putting one’s absolute trust in a person’s character and word.
• I believe the Bible teaches that Salvation comes only by repentance of sin and faith in Jesus Christ’s sacrifice on the cross to save us from the wrath of God and give us eternal life. Church attendance and any other religious acts have no bearing on salvation.
• I believe salvation is a free gift offered to any who will listen and believe.
• I believe rejection of Christ’s free gift of salvation means there is no alternative payment to enter into God’s favor, and thus Heaven. That person takes it upon his or herself to accept God’s just, absolute judgment and punishment of their sin which is Hell.
• I believe it is impossible for one to lose their salvation, as it is by God’s hand they are saved, and by God’s hand they are secured, and that no sin is greater than Christ’s sacrifice.

Saints
• I believe that all believers are made Saints, which means they have been set apart as sacred.
• I believe that when a person is genuinely saved, they are indwelled by the Holy Spirit, who begins working on transforming their heart and revealing truth to them via Scripture.
• I believe a believer’s heart desires will change toward the things of God after salvation and they will begin showing what is known as “Fruits of the Spirit”.
• I believe a saint is still capable of sin, but will be in a process of perpetual improvement and cleansing throughout his or her earthly life called “sanctification” as the Holy Spirit re-molds them further to resemble the character of Jesus Christ.
• I believe that a truly saved person will not be able to participate in what the Bible explicitly lists as sinful acts without guilt. I believe that God will eventually break that person’s will until they repent from that sin and turn back to Him.
• I believe a consistent lack of change and conformity to the nature of God and His laws shows a lack of fruit and a false conversion.
• I believe in the priesthood of all believers, which means that all who believe can freely pray (communicate) with God, make requests and ask for forgiveness of sins at any time.
• I believe that all who believe are adopted as sons and daughters into God’s household and are made joint-heirs with Jesus Christ.

The Church
• I believe the Church is the assembly of believers together for ministry and outreach. It is not a building.
• I believe the Church is meant to be the means by which Christ reaches out to the world’s physical and spiritual needs today.
• I believe it is the primary responsibility of the Church to uncompromisingly preach the Gospel in Spirit and in Truth.
• I believe it is the responsibility of the Church to train, teach, encourage, and when necessary, correct believers.
• I believe each member in the Church should actively pursue a means of serving others instead of merely attending. This can be giving lovingly, sacrificially and generously of one’s time, money and possessions to help others.
• I believe it is necessary for a believer to attend church when and where possible to better their training and growth, by learning and serving, explicitly or implicitly, and to be held accountable for their actions.

The Worst Job I Ever Had

I’ve had a pretty wide variety of jobs in my short life with varying degrees of quality and hardship. But it’s remarkable, no matter the difficulty of the job, how much difference management makes in whether a working environment is pleasant. Anyone who has been employed could likely tell you the same.

I’ve worked in machine shops and cut sheet metal. I’ve been a groundskeeper. I’ve worked numerous retail and sales jobs and dealt with customers from hell. I’ve been a business auditor. I’ve scrubbed pots and pans in cafeteria kitchens until my hands bled. I spent 6 months in Iraq with the Air Force handling explosives and “dodging mortars” in the mud (which humorously enough was a vacation compared to my home station at that time). Heck, the diversity of jobs the Air Force has tasked me to do is mind-boggling. They’ve had me on security detail sitting in a 7’x6’ box for 14 hours and also had me staring at penises and collecting urine samples for the Drug Reduction Program. But by far I consider the worst job I ever had to be when I stocked groceries.

Understand that this entry is not some pissing contest where people compete to see whose story can top the other guy's (see Brian Regan and the "That Ain't Nuthin'" segment of his stand-up). I hate those social interactions and I should hope you do as well. I am under no illusion that I have been dealt some grand, incomparable injustice in my employment history or that I've suffered somehow more than anyone else. I can guarantee you my father worked worse jobs than I ever have. Now that that is out of the way.

When I was 18/19 (I can’t recall my age exactly, but it was either the Autumn of 1999 or 2000) I worked for a supermarket chain in Florida called “Publix”. Many of my friends and family from Florida adore Publix for a variety of reasons, and to be fair, I can’t deny that Publix does put out quality products. However, having worked for them, I have a bit of a bias. I loathe that chain for how I was treated and refuse to shop there when I visit home. I off-handedly refer to Publix as “the concentration camp of grocery stores”. Excuse the hyperbole, but that’s how I feel about it.

It started when I applied to be a grocery stocker, or whatever the official term is. My application process was fairly smooth and I was interviewed by the Assistant Manager (hereafter referred to as “AM”), who was a pleasant enough fellow. We talked about your basic things during an interview, such as hours, pay, and what days I might be available. I specifically stated that I would not work Sunday, as to allow me to attend church. He agreed and signed me up, no problem. He also let me know that they did not hire people for full time employment right away- they had to go through a part-time probationary period to show their worth and then would be elevated to full time pay with benefits. Fair enough. After that, he gave me my work schedule and let me know when to report in. No problems there as far as I could tell.

According to my schedule, I still had a few days until my new job began, so I went about taking care of things and generally goofing off as I had always done. But then I got a call from Publix, asking why I was not at work. Naturally I was confused as I was going by the schedule the AM had given me. But I went in to try to clear things up.

I was introduced to the Grocery Manager, Mr. Dana Potter. A Grocery Manager is basically responsible for getting the product on the sales floor. I explained my confusion to Mr. Potter and how I was going by the schedule given to me. He explained that, as the Grocery Manager, he made the schedule for the stockers and to disregard the one given to me by the AM. I was a bit exasperated, but I took it in stride and made note of my new work schedule which had me working nights- which I had no problem with. What shocked me were the hours. I was easily working full time on part-time status. I was told this was part of the probationary period and that I would still be paid hourly but no full-time benefits. Given that I didn’t have any pressing schedule, I went with it. After all, those full time hours were what I had wanted anyway.

My work began fairly slowly as any job does as one picks up the ebb and flow of the workplace. I was introduced to the other stockers and the Stock Manager (I don’t recall the official title- only that he was the supervisor for the stockers). And from there I was put to work. They stuck me in the glass jar aisle for about a month which made me sorta slow as I tried not to break things and also figure out where stuff went.

My hours were much longer than the schedule dictated. It went far beyond full time work and I regularly made overtime pay. Hours for reporting in frequently, unpredictably changed. Sometimes I would report in at 10pm, others 2am. But nearly every day I would leave work around 12-14 hours later. Often times I would bleed over into the middle of the sales day, stocking groceries for customers when I should have been home hours before the store opened. The extra pay was nice, but the instability was not. Even so, this was manageable.

As I said earlier, management can make a huge difference in a working environment and I encountered a pretty hostile atmosphere. Even though I was part time, my work schedule was not negotiable and was always under threat of job loss. Once I got sick and was puking in an empty box. I couldn’t go home. Another time, my father had been hospitalized for a few days and needed me to pick him up early in the morning. I was told I couldn’t go get him unless I finished stocking. They told me to suck it up.
And then there was the issue with Sunday. As I said, I was hired with the AM clearly understanding that was a non-work day for me. Mr. Potter and the Stock Manager did not agree. They regularly took me aside and tried to press me to come in on Sunday. They told me how the other workers were resentful that I was off Sunday when they worked. They told me things such as “I think God will understand if you have to work.” This happened time and again, but I held my ground.

Speaking of the other workers- boy, what a crew. Some of them were civil, but most were passive aggressive. It was not a polite environment. I did find out that many of them did the same job for Wal-Mart and that was not much better than Publix in terms of work environment. So if you worked for Wal-mart, especially in stock, you have my sympathy.

All this paired with a pretty unsafe working environment. Maybe it’s me, but I always wondered how they didn’t get in trouble with OSHA. Anyone who has stocked groceries can tell you that stores over stack their pallets. These things are seriously top heavy and packed so full that they bind them in saran wrap, put metal cages around them and secure them with chains just so the pallets don’t burst. We would pull these teetering, oversized, top heavy things two at a time via pallet jacks out of the back of a tractor trailer onto a hydraulic lift 5 feet in the air. This lift was barely wide enough for two pallets and we were standing with our feet under them just to make sure we didn’t fall off the lift. Imagine standing on the edge of a cliff with a 300lb teetering mass touching your nose and you’ll get the picture.

Another time I was tasked to collect all the metal cages from the pallets that had accumulated over time and stack them all onto one pallet, bind them up with chains and send them on their way. Each cage weighed, if memory serves, anywhere from 30-50lbs. And I had an entire pallet of them fall on me. And I’m lying there under this mass of iron bars, bleeding and calling for help, and nobody is around. I managed to maneuver my way out, but that sucked.

I put up with this for 6 months. Christmas was coming up very soon and I had been watching the schedule very closely to see what my hours might be. Typically, schedules were posted a week or two in advance to allow for planning, etc. just like any other job. I had a girlfriend at the time and wanted to see when I could spend some time with her. But the schedule remained blank for weeks.

I asked Mr. Potter about the hours, whether I was working, or what was going on. He assured me to be patient and that the schedule would be posted soon. So I waited and still nothing came. I asked again and was given the same answer. And then Christmas arrived.

Since I had no hours to work on the schedule, and no consistent timeframe to work to allow me to predict when to report in, (remember, my hours fluctuated often for no apparent reason) I went by the Grocery Manager’s schedule just the way Mr. Potter had told me 6 months prior. And this schedule had me on a 5-day Christmas stretch of time off.

I took my time off and had a good time. But then five days turned into a week and I had no word from work. No phone calls or anything came my way. I went in during the day to get answers but nobody had any and my immediate bosses worked nights. So one night I went in around 2am. That seemed to be the most reliable time to potentially catch anyone at work. I was greeted by the Stock Manager who, with no hesitation, and even a measure of satisfaction in his voice, told me I was fired because I hadn’t shown up for work. I told him why, and he told me to take it up with Mr. Potter who just happened to be unavailable. I knew I had been screwed so I left. I didn’t want to deal with Mr. Potter or Publix any more. I had had enough. So I left and never heard a word from anyone there again.

So I was indirectly fired for following the schedule I was told to follow on my first day of work. Yeah, it’s a bit of a sore spot.

The Blessedness of Possessing Nothing

Doulos Iesou Christou: The Blessedness of Possessing Nothing

Convention Perspective

I had the opportunity to attend A-Kon, an anime/sci-fi/comic book convention, this past weekend in Dallas. It was a pretty large event and had a tremendous turnout. The entire experience for me was filled with realizations, lessons learned and milestones. To say I had fun would be an accurate statement, but to say I enjoyed myself completely would not. The latter is not necessarily anyone's fault; I think it may be, as my old compatriots used to accuse me, that I'm thinking too much. But since that's what I do and how I write this blog, I'm at least going to put down my thoughts here.

Texas is an interesting place. For the most part, I've enjoyed my stay in Texas; They are a unique sort of people and approach things with an enthusiasm rarely found elsewhere in the US. They are also more traditional in their approach to societal roles and problems, which might be viewed as backwards by people from elsewhere in the country, but to be honest, I usually like it. It feels secure, orderly and acknowledges the wisdom of those who came before and whom established those traditions. Well, some do. But ah, now I'm trailing off. Bottom line, they have their problems like anyone else, but they are traditional.

Nowhere is this traditional approach to societal roles more apparent than the dynamic disparity between the "jocks" and the "nerds", or should I say, the nerds and everyone else. Being nerdy has become somewhat normalized and accepted in the past decade or so in the US. When I was growing up, nerdiness usually meant one was isolated from the rest of the popular group for any combination of an obscure hobby with intelligence, obsessive traits and physical awkwardness. A nerd was the little guy; the oppressed minority in some cases and most assuredly not cool. Now it seems, through a variety of factors, that a significant portion of people everywhere, to some varying degree, has a bit of nerd interest within them. No longer is it limited to those with "societal handicaps". Whether they are a casual video gamer or got into sci-fi or whatever (the situations are too numerous to list or speculate) it seems, especially this new generation, is populated by nerds.

This blurring of the line defining the deviant nerd does not seem to have taken root in Texas. In my experience, if it isn't sports, pop music, or sex, most people likely won't know it. Everything is big in Texas, as they say, which includes divides between groups. And here the nerd seems to be every bit the stereotype (minus the pocket protector and horn-rimmed glasses) we've all cemented into our mass consciousness.

There were interesting reactions to the nerds attending by the people who were not. My own sister-in-law got heckled as we left the tram station. People were quite literally staring wide-eyed and confused at the masses of costumed attendees. Those brave enough to ask had no clue what "anime" or japanese animation was.

My reasons for attending conventions(cons) has shifted over the years. Nowadays I attend mostly for insider panels conducted by industry professionals and art lessons, etc. At this con I couldn't help but notice the significant number of people who attended panels regarding self-publishing or hoped to somehow break into the comic book/video game industry. While it's only natural to want to have a job where you can do what you love and/or play and get paid for it, I couldn't help but feel sorry for a lot of these people for a variety of reasons.

As one panelist stated, everyone thinks that they are a good writer, with the unspoken, understood clause afterward of "they likely are not". Everyone in the West who loves fiction seems to want to tell a story; the question is whether that story is worth telling. A person is free to write and create what he wishes for himself, by all means- every artist should write what they would want to read. Just don't expect anyone else to want to read it.

A successful story needs to truly stand out in some way and draw people in. The crashing anime industry should be a testament to this. There is a ton of crappy, knock-off, formulaic anime out there. The old adage of "every story has already been told" still rings true, but the themes can be re-worked into interesting ways. When I was a teen, anime was rare and as an enthusiast for the art style alone, I would watch whatever I could find, even if it was lousy (I even watched Sailor Moon to a degree, which for the uninformed is meant for girls). Now, anime is everywhere. What was once exotic and trendy has become commonplace and its merits able to be evaluated more objectively. As an aspiring writer/artist I hold myself to the same uncompromising standard. There is an ultra-surplus of writing and art, so how do I stand out? (As an aside I highly recommend the book "How NOT To Draw Manga". It is as informative as it is hilarious and brilliantly derisive.)

My favorite panel was probably the one where they began by warning that they were going to disillusion everyone regarding the industry, writing and self-publishing by giving cold hard facts. I do so love the truth. You have to face the truth to wash away the smoke of ignorant wishing so you can see if there is any substance beneath it.

One of the things I noted about all the creators and panelists was that they all had excellent communication skills and passion for what they did. I think this is absolutely essential to being able to tell a good story, let alone to market yourself. I saw so many attendees who could barely speak up and form a question or simply express themselves clearly. Perhaps I'm writing them off too soon, but it seems to be a key external defining trait that divides the doers from the pipe dreamers.

Right now you may be thinking, "Well, you haven't published anything either," and that's a very fair rebuttal. It also ties into one of the realizations I had this weekend. I think I have all the tools I need to do my projects. I keep waiting for that perfect moment when all my ducks are in a row and I know everything I need to. I think I've been at that point for awhile now and have been too hesitant or lazy to just take the leap. I did learn one new trick for my art (and I found that apparently I'm already at an intermediate level for Copic markers. Who knew?) But in regard to storytelling and publishing, I learned absolutely nothing new. That's not to say the panels were bad- far from it. They were very well done and communicated great information. It's just I already knew the information and that means I have no excuse not to have begun.

Reaching back, more of the reason I pitied a lot of these fans was that they seemed so hopeless. Nerds by reputation are obsessive about something. What I saw was that their obsession seemed to define them- not in the way people latch onto their jobs or creativity or something. I'm talking about an obsession that produces nothing. It is an obsession that defines them based on what someone else produces. I'm not sure what to think of all that right now. I did see a couple guys who embodied the Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons which also made me laugh and despair at the same time. He had the cynicism, the unmerited condescension and criticism, the shorts, the gut... you get the idea. No ponytail though; just a bald spot like friar tuck. It reminded me of when I attended BJU around 2001 and I saw (completely serious and fully represented) a group of 1950's-esque stereotypical nerds, with the glasses and calculator and everything, talking about Star Trek. I assume they traveled in packs to guard against predators.

On to other things.

Going to a big convention such as this is a sensory overload. There is so much to do and see and, tying into what I said before regarding anime, what once was exotic and rare is now commonplace. I'm sure there was a lot of good stuff, from artists to merchandise that I simply overlooked due to the sheer volume of its kind present. There were a ton of cosplayers there as well with, as is typical, a varying degree of quality to the costumes (and to the appropriateness of said cosplayer parading around in said costume). What has become a cringing joke regarding obese, pimply nerds dressed up in skin tight, revealing outfits from their favorite fiction held true at A-Kon. But there were also the leaner, attractive ones who pulled off their costumes well. The latter I used to be able to enjoy and even look forward to in past years. This year I could not, and I realized why: I'm old.

Seeing a revealing, meticulous, fantastically crafted costume of a fictional character worn by a fit, attractive woman is the stuff of male nerd dreams. However, the generation after me has started to grow up, and those young girls are taking up the looks of their heroines as well. At times it can be difficult to assess the age of a particular attractive woman, a term known as "jailbait". Young girls try to look older and more mature while older women try to retain the beauty of their youth. So while you may see a female wearing what one might otherwise consider sexy or just interesting, the ambiguous age ruins the experience. I'm not sure if there is anything more unnerving at my age (and it'll only get worse) than being unsure if you're staring at a minor and thus are in the "creepy older guy" role. Given that I could confidently assess that a large majority of the convention was made up by teenagers, I simply put my blinders on and didn't look at anyone. This probably made me look like a jerk, or perhaps just uncomfortable as I navigated the crowds trying not to look at people.

The Dealer's Room was something I have to admit I was disappointed with. Perhaps I'm showing my age or obscure taste, but I couldn't really find anything I liked there. Conventions are odd experiences if you're anything like me. I did pick up a few items, along with a hint of guilt for the purchase. Since conventions are such rarely attended events for me, I almost treat them the way a person who doesn't live in Florida or California would approach visiting Disney World. At Disney World, you will often pay twice the cost what you would typically consider paying for merchandise because, after all "It's a special occasion". I admit I reluctantly overpaid significantly on a model kit for that very justification. But other than that, I didn't find anything I liked save for a butt-load of novelty t-shirts, of which I really don't need any further.

Nerd stuff aside, we stayed at the Crowne Plaza in downtown Dallas. I have to say I was very disappointed with that place. Granted, the convention had made a deal with the hotel for special rates, but we were stuck in what I consider a shoddy room. It was clean, sure, but from the start, there were problems such as unmarked wet paint on the door which got all over my wife as we entered. The walls were paper thin and we could hear everything going on in the room adjacent to us, which got worse at 3am as I was woken up by loud, drunken nerds cackling and hitting the wall so hard that it knocked my bed around. My wife commented in her exhausted delirium that she had "never wanted to strangle an otaku so much." I complained a couple times and requested a reduced rate for the room. I told the very kind clerk that I realized I was paying in part for the location of the hotel, but that I felt I "could get better quality going to a Best Western off the interstate." He cringed noticeably and knocked the cost down a good chunk. Got a free breakfast which was nice too.

Speaking of location, given we were downtown and surrounded by companies and banking institutions, I was amazed at the number of homeless people there, particularly at the tram station that ran through the center. We gave a lot of money to a variety of people we encountered, which is fine, but I guess I'm just not used to that. Granted, going to a big city is always an eye opener for me. I know there are homeless people who are just down on their luck and of no fault of their own necessarily, ("The rain falls on the just and the unjust alike") but I was also amazed at the volume of them who seemed to literally be mentally unstable. On a humorous note, there was even a homeless guy yelling at another homeless guy across the tracks for "going through his trash". I suppose living a life like that could be very psychologically unhinging over time so it may be one of those "walk a mile in their shoes" situations.

All in all, A-Kon was a nice experience and unusually exhausting. Maybe I'll attend again next year.

A little sleep

I'm really struggling with motivation. Please forgive me if this sounds self-pitying. It helps me see things clearly when I write them.

My wife made a valid point about all the things I aspire to: they have to be sustainable long term. Fitness, diet, work, everything. And she's right. Even Olympic athletes have peak training times and down times.

There is a great deal within my life that needs to be brought to order. The only way to do so is to have the vision and initiative to execute it. This lack of order and initiative is in part what has caused me to be stuck in the rut I have been for years. My lack of initiative also carries over to and affects my wife. If I am not putting my own things in order, not only is my wife jaded and disillusioned with me: she mimics me. In other words, a leader influences, good or bad. I don't just let myself down; I let her down.

I'm finding myself not wanting to leave the comforts I cherish. I don't get out of bed in the morning to take care of things around the house because my wife is too comfortable to sleep next to (and it's the same reason we haven't found a church). I picked up playing video games again as a hobby and not as a reward for a job well done because, as before, it's an instant vicarious gratification. I put off exercise and preparing healthy meals because my job schedule is erratic and I just want to goof off when I'm home.

Do I need to go back to the chopping block and cut distractions out of my life again? And if I do, is it sustainable? Am I wrong in thinking I just lack discipline and need to get my act together? I keep thinking of all the Proverbs about laziness and putting one's house in order, and how I'm doing all the things it warns against. I don't believe that I'm expecting anything unreasonable from myself by a long shot. It just seems I need to mature and maybe even grow out of some things so that I can be a responsible adult.

Having a clean, orderly house won't last. Having a strong, fit body won't last. Even my life's work of story and art will not last. It is all temporal. But so are all the indulgences I have allowed. And the Bible seems to look more kindly toward self-discipline and order than my love of sleep and negligence toward my house.

So hypothetically, what would I need to do or lose to get things straight? Well, I would need to lose video games again, particularly DCUO, and have games be a quarterly thing as a reward. That was the initial plan that fell apart in February. I had taken over meal planning and cooking for awhile to make sure it happened. I would need to do that again. And that phrase that has defined and destroyed so much I have done: "I don't feel like it right now"; That needs to disappear.

I'm considering planning out my day with a framework schedule so I know checkpoints and times. That old saying "If you don't have a plan, you are planning to fail" has always struck a chord with me. However, if you have a plan, or schedule, that is too rigid, you are a slave to it and it will break you.

These are the result from severe character flaws. I need God to help me and direct me to what and where he wants. Because I keep falling on my own and I run out of steam when I hit various obstacles. Lord, if you don't help me, I'm on my own here.

Running

I'm a runner. Always have been. God doesn't seem to like this. There are two things you should know about me:

1) I'm a Bible-believing Christian. God moved on my heart with truth, showed me my sin, the just punishment for that sin, and called me to repent and put my trust in Jesus Christ's suffering on the cross as a substitute for me. That means I'm saved, as evangelicals call it.

2) I am also consistently anti-social. I don't like being around people most of the time, particularly in large groups, and especially when alcohol paired with emotions are involved. I don't like talking to people I barely know, with whom I have nothing in common to speak of. I loathe small talk with a passion. I'd rather say nothing than force conversation.

These two states of being are in stark contrast to one another. As a Christian, one is called, nay necessitated to belong to a communal church; one that interacts with other Believers; one that reaches out to the local community. Outside of the church, I am called to be an example of Christ in action and speech (evangelicals call this a "testimony"). However, again, I can't stand talking to people and forcing conversation.

An anti-social Christian, on the surface, seems rather futile and selfish.

The past 10 years, God has had me in a corner. Like I said, I'm a runner, and I don't think God likes this. Every situation I get into, I always have an exit strategy; a means to escape if I don't like where I am. And God has put me in a variety of situations from which there is no running.

If I had my way, I would live secluded, submitting work over fax and email, and be very comfortable having the world leave me alone. I don't want to deal with micro management or people's petty little vocational pretenses. I don't want to feel trapped by my job and feel anxious about people's expectations. The list could go on and on.

But again, I would be mostly useless. A Christian is not just a tag or title or something we claim. It is a statement of ownership. It says I am bought and paid for; I belong to someone; moreover, I am property.

With my way, it is all fun and irresponsibility. I do not grow. I indulge my selfishness. I spout platitudes that Jesus taught from a distance but do not live them where they apply and matter: around people.

Every Christian has unique gifts. Some are able preachers; some are teachers; some are nurturers and councellors. However, all these gifts are used for the benefit of others, not oneself. There is joy, no doubt, in the exercise of these gifts. It has been said that one's calling is where God's biblical commands and your passions unite. So one is not necessarily called to be miserable in a task they are unsuited for.

But I cannot reconcile my anti-social tendencies with my faith. It has required a great deal of prayer and, yes, agonizing struggle around others when I literally strain and stretch my soul inside to labor for what is right. It is an exhaustive process. This whole thing lends itself to what the Bible calls the war between one's Flesh and Spirit. My Flesh wants to indulge my comfort zone forever. My spirit wants to reach out as Christ did.

I need the experienced guidance from a Christian mentor to help me with this. I need to find a church home soon.

If you want to be free...

If January was a satisfying month because of disciplined accomplishment, February was the opposite. Roadblock after roadblock has sprung up to not only scramble my work schedule, but give my weak side license to procrastinate or cheat on my diet.

It's almost March and I have yet to draw the first page of my comic. I intend to remedy that this morning.

I made a rather large print sign for me to see every time I sit down at my PC. It says "IF YOU EVER WANT TO LEAVE THE MILITARY, DO NOT PROCRASTINATE TODAY".

Sorry for the caps, but it's deliberately stressed to get through my thick skull. I am the king of procrastinators. I suppose I could change it to "If you want to be FREE, do not procrastinate today". Because that's what this is about to a degree. Leaving the military and being my own boss is about me being free from the circumstances that have both been thrust upon me and that I have reaped from my folly.

So here's to another month.

Just pray

I've been building the new webcomic site via WordPress and fighting with it a lot, but I'm making progress in little steps here and there. This weekend I hope to finish a page or two and see how the thing handles them. I need to get some serious work done with this before March, because Dragon Age II will be out and I am basically worthless for a solid month when Bioware releases a new game.

This has been a frustrating couple of weeks, I have to say. I want to keep this blog upbeat and not a series of broody scribblings, but here we are. I curbed my physical fitness because we had two incapacitating snow storms on two separate weeks and got snowed in. And I ran out of Whey Protein so I didn't have any fuel to repair my body after training. These set backs aren't anything major, but it is a bit frustrating given that I'm entered into a 12-week contest and I lost 2 weeks. If that was my biggest problem, I'd say I'm doing just fine.

Work has been a roller coaster of emotions due to management. The Air Force has always filled me with mixed emotions. Even though I love being a teacher, I can't escape the asinine AF mentality that permeated the job I had before this. I think I handle it a bit better now.

The biggest news is one I'd rather not go into too much detail with. I know this blog is for me, but it is still technically public even if nobody reads it. My sister was beaten up twice in varying degrees by her boyfriend, and just writing that makes me furious. I would love to bring some justice to the guy who did this to her, but I can't help but think she'll just find another one. Her taste in men and outright good sense has not improved it seems.

My mom filled me in since they're on the other side of the country. What's odd to me at least, is my mom stated that I'm the only one of her kids that doesn't seem to have any personality problems. I give credit to God for preserving me and keeping me from a lot of foolish desires, let alone misfortune. However, I can't help but wonder if I'm not going to snap down the road when I'm about 40. Given that my grandmother has dementia, I suppose you could say it makes me a little paranoid about myself in regard to genetics at least. Even if that isn't a factor, I think it's safe to say I carry around a lot of anger, on the surface or buried and forgotten, toward certain things that I hope one day doesn't come to a boiling point. Just talking tonight with a friend from work got me unexpectedly into a bad mood as we rehashed the garbage I've gone through in my AF career.

I have come to terms with the fact that I was a very hurt, angry young man in my 20's, and thanks be to God, I have gotten better. But it has not been easy; my wife can attest to this. She has put up with a lot from me that she honestly never should have had to. Trust in and pursuit of God seems to have gotten me this far, so I'll just keep doing that. I just pray my sister recovers and gets her priorities straight.

Top this off with terrible sleep, bizarre-if-not-distressing dreams, besetting sin habits, spiritual perseverance, and problems with the wife, and I'd say I'm fairly exasperated. But to God be the glory.

Accomplishment

SO week 4 is upon me for the Body Transformation challenge. Week 3 was a bit erratic. I had a PT test (which I performed well on) and 3 days involving my Cardiac Workup. Apparently, my heart is awesome, but I have slightly high cholesterol. But at least I don't seem to have heart disease like the rest of my family.

That aside, I finished my submission for the Megaman Tribute book. It took me over 20 hours, but I think it came out nicely. It's hard to say whether I'll be acceepted, but I have high hopes. Honestly, I wish I was ambivalent about it so I would be honestly surprised if accepted and not so let down if rejected.

I'm still cranking away on Seraph, though I didn't get any pages done like I had wanted. But I don't feel like I've wasted my time. That's a nice change for me.

My New Years resolutions basically revolved around 2 themes: fear and laziness. My wife and I talk often and regret comes up sometimes. She thinks I have regrets as if I haven't had certain opportunities in life and am always looking to the next big thing. That's not true.

The truth is, I have had numerous amazing opportunities come to me in life. I have had so much privilege and blessing. But I've either been too afraid to step out and take a risk to embrace the blessing, or I've been too lazy to sow the seed of the blessing and make something more of it.

So, that's what I've been fighting: fear and laziness. And that's why January has been a satisfying month.

Phew!

I'm no stranger to being busy, but usually the context is within my job with the USAF. I've never had so much art stuff going on along with career stuff.

It took me 4 hours just to lay down the flat colors the other day on my Megaman Tribute Book submission. 4 hours! Why am I thinking that someone knows how to do it in minutes. Anyway, I'm looking into the program and trying to figure out how to do something like a layer over the flats where I just shade with black,white and grey and it affects the layers beneath. I think it's Masks, or maybe Multiply. Whatever, I'll figure it out, or I'll go back to doing it the long way, where I shade each of my 10 layers. Either way, at least I'm having fun and I'm excited about how the image might look. The lineart at least looks great.

That aside, I'm working on getting pages done for Seraph. But then it occurred to me that I need to build the blasted website for the comic. Which then reminded me that I need to go ahead and rebuild the entire RMK World site anyway. Which then reminded me that my Dreamweaver CS4 took all non-CSS options out of my hands. So I have to teach myself CSS now to build my site to host my comic. Oh and I need to make all the graphics for the site as well. *bangs head on table*

I'm happy and grateful Kirsty and Daniel have offered their services to make Elsewhere happen. That leaves me with the script writing, conceptual designs and basically superintendence and consultation. That isn't necessarily a bad thing but it's a lot of juggling and communication. I have no doubt whatsoever about Kirsty's ability to do the job and requires little oversight. I've watched her grow as an artist for 10 years and she always impresses.

Anyway, that's it for art. But I still have my college class to finish, and likely more down the line for a new degree. Then I'm also testing for promotion in March which requires an immense amount of studying of technical data and Air Force doctrine. And I have that 12-week fitness challenge I have to make time for, which means both the cooking and time to exercise. Oh yeah, and I'll be hopefully starting back up in martial arts lessons this year. So really, I don't have a whole lot of time to do jack squat further.

Bucket List

I think everyone has one or two things they want to do sometime in their life. I have an assortment, but my problem is they get lost in the shuffle. So for my own convenience, I'm making a bucket list here. Preferably I'd like to accomplish this stuff before I'm 40.

- Get my black belt in a martial art (I've studied dozens and never got to finish)
- Publish my Seraph comic
- Learn to play an instrument
- Get a degree in Biblical study
- Learn to surf
- Learn Parkour
- Go scuba diving
- Become a more proficient cook (I've been working on this one already)
- visit Italy and Israel
- Finish learning Japanese
- Go hang gliding
- Promote my work at a comic convention booth
- Go hunting

I'll add to this as I remember more.

Triple Stamp a Double Stamp

Well I finished week one of my 12 week training plan. It was tough at times fighting the cravings but I got through it as long as I ate something good instead. I only missed one workout and that's because I overslept and had to go to work.

In other news, my old DBZ fan comic, Elsewhere, is currently in production again, thanks to the volunteer efforts of a couple plucky fans. They've taken over the drawing portion and I'll continue hammering out the script details. In the meantime, I can focus on getting Seraph under production.

I'm hoping finishing Elsewhere gets me more exposure as an artist because I suck at marketing my work. I try to do grassroots announcements and things, but I try not to cross the line into outright spamming message boards and such. I have some very supportive fans for my past work, but I really want to try to get word about about Seraph, so that when it starts I can have readers ready and waiting.

I've looked for clubs on DeviantArt, but I'm not sure which to join and submit art to. The christian club I joined seems to be a good spot, but they mostly seem interested in my angelic depictions. I'll keep digging and see what happens.

In other news, we went to Hastings tonight and the clerk there creeped Nicole out. The reason? She said he had the exact same body language, mannerisms and manner of speaking that I do. I didn't notice. He seemed withdrawn to me, which I guess is somewhat like me. She said add "exasperated" to that list of adjectives. Apparently my wife thinks I'm perpetually annoyed. But then, with as much as I rant on this or any blog, I suppose anyone else reading this would agree.

Metamorphosis

Well, today, January 9th, is the day I start this contest. 12 weeks from now on April 3rd, we'll see just how much more fit I've become. My biggest hurdle will of course be dealing with my food cravings, but with prayer, hard work and a plan it can be accomplished.

In other news, we started looking for a church home today. Our town has an abundance of churches, but very few of them offer evening services, which would of course accommodate my night shift hours. So I've resolved, as part of just stepping up and doing the things in life I need to do, just suck it up and start going to morning services. I need to be up early throughout the week anyway to be productive. I might as well train my body to do this as well.

The church we tried today was... well it requires further inspection. We have this weird trend in that, whenever we have tried out a church for the first time in the past, we always attend when the pastor is on vacation and there's a guest speaker... for weeks. So we're never quite sure how the church is going to be from one or two attendances. Today was no different.

But I have a few places in mind. We really do need to attend a place where we can genuinely fellowship with other believers. I know Nicole especially needs this, as she's a far more social creature than I am. That and we both really do need a place to serve in some way. So we're praying and searching.

An old post from the Mrs.

This was a fantastic little trove of wisdom written and buried in my wife's blog from 2004. I had never seen it until now.

For Everyone Else: Life Lessons: "1: Be specific with your prayer requests. God apparently thinks that, if you are not specific, then you really aren't wholly interested in j..."

Aneurisms and Contradictions

There are some days where it just doesn't pay to surf the internet. You end up on some column reading the most willfully ignorant comments that make you need to shoot blood out your eyes. I don't claim to know even half of all there is to know, but I do my best to thoroughly know what is necessary and accurate when I cover a topic. (One of the reasons I'm often so quiet is that I have nothing to add to a conversation. If I'm ignorant, I stay silent.)

One of my buttons is speaking out of willful ignorance. But I suppose no matter what is said or done, no matter how much resource and truth you provide, people will do what they want to do. I was ministering for months to one of my dearest friends, and at the end of it all I simply asked him, "If God were to appear before you right now, answer all your questions and validate everything the Bible has to say, would you repent and put your trust in him?" His answer was an emphatic "No".

The thing I find ironic is that the very word "truth", regardless of topic, of what one believes, or the angle from which they are approaching a topic, has become almost a dirty word. In our Universalistic, strong-armed-PC world, truth insinuates that something is right and something is wrong. Or to make it closer to home, someONE is right and someONE is wrong. We don't seem to like that very much as it's an inconvenience. We want everyone to be able to do as he or she pleases. We want to be the masters of our own destiny. We want every way to be right for each person.

The irony here is that by laying claim to a philosophy that says there is no right or wrong way, you automatically denounce people that claim there IS a right and wrong way. So what you really end up saying is that your way is right.

Day Planner

I think a big part of the American dream is about having the freedom to be your own boss and do things the way you would choose to do them. It always has been that way for me anyway. But there's an inherent problem with that: you actually have to be self-motivated.

I'm ashamed to say my motivation often times is that of an 8-year old. When I have to force myself to get out of bed, it's usually to avoid getting into trouble with work. I am by no means a morning person in any sense of the word, so I'm happy to say I work nights. This is great for my job but bad for anything else I would want to do. You see, working nights means I don't have to schedule my waking around the need to get up and go to work. Working nights means I can sleep in, and the lack of "getting in trouble for being late to work" is no longer there.

On the surface, this sounds great, but it means that by sleeping in, I sacrifice the time surrounding work that I could use to be productive. When I work days, it means I get up, go to work, come home, and have the rest of my conscious evening to take care of business. It's more structured and productive even though I hate dayshift.

I'm afraid that my own personal endeavors have not been enough to drag me out of a completely comfortable bed in the morning when I don't absolutely HAVE to get up.

So in other words, I need to grow up.

I realized a lot about myself this past year and I've made a number of resolutions to better myself as a Christian, an artist, a husband and as a man overall. I think in order to make them work, I'm going to have to have a more regimented schedule myself if I continue to work nights. They say if you don't have a plan, you're planning to fail. So I suppose I need to be even more thorough in my outline of daily details.

Step by step, I'm tweaking the things that keep me from taking care of business. I think I've got my attitude and mindset hammered out, so now, I guess I need a schedule.

Imperfect Heroes

In my brainstorms regarding my writing and stories I'm often reminded of the Bible and its flawed heroes. We have an odd mindset toward heroes in general in the West that I can't quite figure out.

Nearly every single person depicted in the Bible is documented to have some fatal flaw or actual wicked act. However, the Bible does not document every single sin as having a direct, in-your-face consequence, or for that matter, some instance where God Himself brings judgment raining down on that person. For some reason, many readers in the West, particularly those who wish to discredit the Bible, seem to think that God's presumed silence somehow condones the actions of these flawed men and women.

Generally speaking, we are unable to deal with complex, genuinely flawed characters if we put them on a pedestal before seeing said flaws. Let's take one of the most loved fictional representations of good in the West: Superman. Superman, to the Western fan, is supposed to represent the best of humanity. So imagine if DC Comics decided to write a story where Superman cheated on Lois Lane. What would the possible reaction from the fan base be? I could confidently say many fans would accuse DC of violating the pristine nature of such a character. But the real question is, would they accuse DC of actually condoning such behavior simply because Superman is meant to be such an iconic example? In other words, is everything he does expected to be a perfect example of behavior?

Now imagine that story was written with the intent of showing Superman as a flawed person, not just an iconic hero. Imagine the story arc comes to a close after a few years and had subtley illustrated the destructive consequences of Superman's actions as opposed to an overwhelming condemning diatribe from the narrator. Would people get it?

This analogy isn't the greatest but hopefully you get the idea. Logically, DC would have to have a reason for showing Superman to be imperfect, and since he's fictional, they can do as they wish.

Any historical account should be simply a "just the facts" unbiased documentation. It doesn't matter if the writer likes the person being recorded or is worried about their reputation. History should be an uncompromising record of what has been done.

The Bible is written in such a way, but with a twist. The people recorded, heroes and villains alike show their true colors. Not all sin is directly punished and not all good is directly rewarded. It simply is. Just the facts. Not everything recorded in the Bible is condoned, even if done by its saints. Sometimes you have to examine the underlying consequences of an action as opposed to an outright condemnation. That's also why it's important to understand what type of book you're in: historical, poetic, instructional, etc.

The twist is that these men who could otherwise be idolized by their nation, or by readers, for the amazing accounts of their faith also show just how fallible and helpless they are- just like the rest of us. The weakness and sin of the heroes of the Bible illustrate their imperfection and need for a savior. All of these heroes point toward the promised Messiah- the one who truly was and is perfect and blameless.

Who do the heroes turn to when they can't even save themselves?

Digital whats-it

A new blog to get organized and official. This will be the place where I post news updates regarding my art projects as well as musings, essays, and sermonettes as they come to me. I'm trying to organize all my online stuff. I plan on having my articles, resources and links on the main RMK World site. This is for more of my personal musings and behind-the-scenes stuff. I'd rather not clutter up my intended showcase website with ramblings. Hope you enjoy.
-RMK